


If there is a next time, I want it to be me.

by jaeminsshi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Suicide, cursing, given anime/manga au, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:46:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24737149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeminsshi/pseuds/jaeminsshi
Summary: “If Jaemin would ever love again… I want it to be me.”
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta, Minor or Background Relationship(s), building - Relationship, implied past yuwin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32
Collections: NOMIN FIC FEST





	1. An Autumn Story

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO. PLEASE READ THE TAGS. I don't want to upset anyone at the end of this because you were triggered. 
> 
> Prompt #117. Jaemin's childhood friend and boyfriend, Mark, was found dead after hanging himself in his room. It's hard for Jaemin to just move on and forget that scene as he subtly blames himself for the incident. He was always found carrying Mark's favourite broken guitar around the school and isolated himself humming his favourite sound. Jeno, who just wanted to take a nap during lunchtime, found Jaemin peacefully asleep at his favourite spot while hugging a broken guitar. He then helped Jaemin fix the strings of his guitar and since then, Jaemin never left him alone as he bugged Jeno to teach him to play guitar. Since then, Jaemin has learned to move on from his broken past and Jeno just be there for Jaemin, for sure. (Based on given animé) 
> 
> ———
> 
> to my prompter, I'm so sorry if this wasn't as good as you wanted. i tried.  
> also i had revised this for like a hundred times again and again because of how heavy and serious the topic is so... (it was used to be so um, detailed, but i really tried to tone everything down because of how everything is turning out in this world.)

He kept having the same dream... _over and over again._

_Cans of beer littered on the floor, the air was thick with the smell of alcohol, his heart pounded so loudly as he dreaded to come closer and closer to where he knew_ **_he_ ** _was supposed to be just sleeping peacefully at…_

_He stopped._

_He stopped because before he could go further to where_ **_his_ ** _bed was at, he saw_ **_him_ ** _._

_Over and over…_

No, he’s not lonely.

He just missed _him_ so badly, he just wanted to see _him_ again, touch _him_ again, hold _him_ again, feel _him_ again, he just wanted to feel the ghost of _his_ lips on him once again, for the last time… hear _him_ say his name again.

_Nana… I’ll always be with you, yeah?_

———

“Jeno-hyung, do you wanna play basketball?” Chenle poked the elder, trying to slowly get the other up from his awkward napping position. He wondered if his hyung’s neck is fine with that sleeping position. 

“Ugh?” Jeno grumbled to his table. “Is it lunch break now?”

The younger just nodded. Amused at how the older was barely keeping himself up.

“Pass. I want to take a nap.” Jeno groggily replied as he pulled himself up from his seat, ruffled the younger’s hair and made his way to the classroom door out. 

***

Jeno was sure this place was _his_ special spot. No one dared to go there because it was an eerie place, not mentioning that there was a weird (a blessing in disguise as Jeno would call it though) haunted story about the stairs leading to his spot. It was a perfect napping place as Jeno would call it. It was well lit, not too hot, not cold either, or it wasn’t even scary per se, but just quiet. Peacefully quiet. As he would like it. 

So, it was quite a shocker for the black haired teen when he saw another student… sleeping… to his spot. _His special napping spot_. Jeno regrettably let out a frustrated grunt before he realized what he even did.

The other thing... _person..._ he corrected himself, blinked as they rose. The other had light brown hair, fair peachy skin, his mouth a little agape, eyes a little dazed, and he was hugging... _a red Gibson guitar_. Is he from the school band? He was sure he didn’t see him there when he went there the last time. 

The other stared at him. Just stared, and after a few seconds, moved to his side, gesturing at Jeno to come and have his spot back. 

It was weird, Jeno thought. Begrudgingly sitting at his usual spot with an intruder when he could just sleep but instead someone was staring at him. It was just plainly weird and awkward and...

“Hi.” The other inquired softly, his voice incredibly low. Jeno wondered if that was his true voice or maybe just because he just came from sleep.

“Who are you?” That startled Jeno from his thoughts back to this... _weird_ conversation he’s having now, with this stranger in his special napping place.

“Lee Jeno. My name’s Lee Jeno.”

Jeno waited for the other to say something, to do something. But the other boy just stared ahead. Never minding him. Not even when he answered him and told him his name? Why is he so weird? He just asked for his name and he had the nerve to ignore him after?

Jeno was just fed up today. Right, that’s why he was kind of irritated. He came here to have a peaceful nap, only to be bothered and being ignored even if he wasn't at fault here. Right, that's why you they can't blame him. “Hey… Say something would you?” The other just stared. Jeno faced the other and seeing the condition of the guitar the other held made Jeno just kind of snap even more. “The strings are rusty! That’s why one of them broke! Fix them already!” Jeno huffed as he continued, “Why do you own a Gibson if you can’t even maintain—” 

Jeno was cut off when the other suddenly lunged at his face, startling him. 

“This can be fixed?” the other spring back to life like that, Jeno felt like he had stepped on a live mine and was just ticking now to explode, Jeno didn’t exactly know what to do right now. “Guh?” Was just his intelligent response. He was just so stunned and confused. 

The other just came closer to him, pressing more, “Can this be fixed?” The other's eyes stared at him intensely, quietly asking for answers. Jeno cannot stand it. 

“Of c-course! And back off a little, you’re too close.” Jeno sputtered as he realized how close they are, he knew he was clearly flushed and embarrassed by their close proximity but the other didn’t budge.

“Really?” It was the sudden firm and serious tone from the other that made Jeno halt. The other’s eyes unwavering and Jeno tried to look away. “Could.. Could you fix it?” The other hopefully prodded, excitement on his low voice trailed.

“Well... yeah…” Jeno wanted to back off, even just a bit, it didn’t matter most of the time if other guys were close to him, he does basketball, and the team were all close, but this, this was kind of new for him. And he didn't even know _why_. 

“Could you fix it now?” The other had sparks in his eyes now, trying to hold off his giddiness of the possibility of having his guitar fixed right then. 

Jeno made a face, “Uh… probably not now… I don’t have the tools.” Jeno could see the other deflate and look sullen all at once. A moment passes and the other just sighed, another moment and the other looked like someone had stolen a piece of candy from them, another one and the other was like kicked puppy and Jeno couldn’t stand it anymore, he begrudgingly went back to his classroom, got his spare strings and other tools from his guitar bag, and marched back to his special spot—all while grumbling how this is all unfair to him and not bothering to answer back his classmates who called him. 

He just can’t take it. He felt like he was the reason why the other got upset all of a sudden even if it’s not his entire fault. He should be the one who should be upset because his precious napping time is now wasted but no. He grumpily fixed the other’s guitar just because he can’t bear to see the other looking like _that_. And he wanted to scream because what is wrong with him? He doesn’t even know the guy!

“Would you stop looking like the whole world ended over a broken string?! I feel bad like I got your hopes up just so they could just be crushed back down when I declined! Give me back my nap time!” Jeno protested loudly while he fixed the guitar and by the time he finished his lamentations, he was also done changing the strings of the guitar. “There. Finished!”

The other looked delighted once he presented the newly fixed guitar, giving him a little round of applause. The guy was about to touch his guitar when Jeno stopped him. “Not yet!” He reprimanded firmly, adjusting the strings of the instrument. 

Jeno tuned the guitar, plucking each of the strings, the other guy just stared at him, and at this point, Jeno learned to just let him be, albeit still feeling somehow uneasy with all of the attention. With a final pluck of the last string, he positioned his fingers for a chord, strumming a one, long resonating sound. 

That one lone strum resonated at the other’s heart. And in a moment, he scrambled for Jeno’s shoulders, making the raven-haired guy face him, breathless, eyes pleading, the guy insisted, “Please teach me how to play the guitar.”

Jeno was stunned, frozen as he and the other guy stared at each other. 

_It all started with that chord he played. He had no idea that he was strumming hard on his heartstrings with his own fingers. Thinking back, it was this encounter that set his world racing forward at full speed._

***

Jeno started playing the guitar when he was six, when his father gave him his unused guitar. From then on, he had never stopped practicing, he wasn’t good at the start of course, but he kept on playing until he could play whatever he wanted to play, absorbing all of it, taking in everything. He was soon swallowed by music. And as a person who didn’t know how to express himself well, he found it easier to express it through his playing and let his music do all of it.

He was so good. So good as he went on like that until high school. 

Until high school where he realized that the more he sharpened and honed his skills, the more his old excitement faded. It had faded when he joined bands and he can easily do the chords and music even by himself. Faded when everyone didn’t want him, didn’t let him in, just because _he couldn’t keep up with them_ , whereas it’s the opposite and they just didn’t want to say _that they couldn’t keep up with Jeno_. 

Jeno let them be. He knew to himself what the truth was. But now, all he could think of is that the guy’s face, was he once like that? Maybe he had that kind of face, that feeling of excitement painted on his face when he heard his first good strum of chord.

***

It was lunchtime and of course Jeno went to his napping spot. And lo and behold, there he is. That- _’Teach-me-how-to-play-guitar’-_ Guy _,_ shamelessly dozing off on his napping spot _._

Jeno was adamant to defend his napping spot. Yes. He’ll decline the guy and defend his precious napping spot. That’s the plan. He’ll tell the guy that for sure. There’s no backing out now. Jeno messed the other’s hair to wake him up, “Oi.” 

The other guy blinked slowly, looking up to Jeno, he greeted with a small smile, “ _Jeno_.” 

Jeno stood frozen. He didn’t know why but seeing the other like that—all dazed, with big sleepy eyes, the other’s smile was soft and his voice was incredibly silky and low and Jeno was just frozen. 

“Thank you for yesterday...” 

“Uhuh...”

“This is for the guitar strings...” The guy presented him with a ₩10,000 bill. Jeno took it. It was for his spare strings of course he has to get paid back.

The other called him again with a soft “Jeno...” and the raven-haired gawked as the other offered him with another ₩10,000 bill. 

With a sweet smile, the other tried again, “Please teach me how to play the guitar.”

“I don’t need your money.” Jeno firmly said. _What was this guy thinking?_

His thoughts were interrupted again as the guy presented him with a Milk Bread.

Jeno’s eyes twitched. He knew the other was getting desperate but his is getting out of hand, if he didn’t know better, he’d find it funny. “Oi. Stop. I don’t need that.” 

“But...” The other countered, trying to think of another way to let Jeno teach him. 

Jeno sighed as he went to his spot and laid down. “I don’t need those. You can try to win me over with money or bread, but I haven’t taught anyone how to play a guitar. Just look up on how to play it. Or better yes, join the light music club. Form a band with their members.”

“Band…?” 

“What?! Do I have to tell you about that too?! You carry a guitar around not knowing anything about it?”

As soon as he said that, the other guy deflated, sighed and sank down further.

Jeno panicked a bit when he saw the other, trying to calm him, he said “…It’s not a bad thing.”

The other visibly perked up with that, Jeno flushed as the other beamed at him, not knowing what to do further, he turned away and pretended to nap.

The other wasn’t fazed, he tried again, “Jeno… teach me how to play the guitar, please.”

***

Jeno should have known that the other wouldn’t let him off, he wanted to brush off the other but he was just as persistent as he would ask him to teach him how to play the guitar every time he would face him and tell him off. The other was just… like a lost kid… puppy. That’s why Jeno ended up bringing the other guy to his band practice. 

“Who… is this?” A guy with two-toned, platinum white hair with black roots wondered, clearly uncertain as their somehow anti-social, shy, and youngest band member had someone in tow in their music studio. It wasn’t just unusual, it was very much weird to have Jeno someone with him, much more with him nudging the other guy to greet him politely. Yuta knew he should be at least ticked off when Jeno said that ‘ _he’s_ _just scary looking but he’s really nice’_ , but right now, he’s more perplexed rather than feel somewhat offended. 

The studio door opened as another guy with a long blond hair tied at his back came in, muttering an apology for his lateness before stopping and gawking a “Eh? Whoa? Who’s this?” He didn’t get his question answered as Jeno explained to the other guy who he was, so Taeyong just went beside Yuta, asking the other what was really happening. Yuta couldn’t really say anything other than that Jeno has brought that guy here.

Yuta and Taeyong were still confused but Jeno nudged the other guy to introduce himself to them. The guy fidgeted for a moment before bowing, “Hello. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Na Jaemin and I came to watch you play.”

The two older men grinned at that, clearly amused and thrilled that someone wants to see them play and learn from it. They smugly tried to impress the kid.;

“Ah, then it can’t be helped.” Yuta smirked. 

Taeyong held his head up, he beamed. “We gotta show him our good side then.”

Jeno huffed at the drummer, “Yuta-hyung, are you sure? He’s just an amateur who knows nothing! He’s probably expecting a godly performance from us.”

The two college students grunted at his back, contemplating on how they would have to notch their bar higher than necessary right now. Jeno couldn’t believe it. _Just how much did they want to impress him?_

The raven-haired exhaled loudly, defeated, realizing he should be the one to get everyone back to their senses before everything got out of hand. “C’mon, let’s just play like we always used to.” He got his guitar mounted on him, checking the strings, adjusting, breathing as he got ready, the two silently muttering they cannot do what they always used to, but still preparing. 

  
  
  


Jeno turned around to his lone audience, giving him a brief look again, meeting his glazed eyes, the guy still looked mesmerized just sitting there, taking in what the three musicians were doing. “So… wait, what was your name again?” 

  
  
  


“Na Jaemin.” 

  
  
  


The guitarist hummed. He turned to his side to fix the amplifier and continued, “What kind of guitar do you wanna hear?”

  
  
  


The brown haired boy still didn’t quite know what to answer, “...Kind?” Jaemin asked him, head tilting slightly to his side.

  
  
  


“What kind of song do you wanna hear?” Jeno offered. 

  
  
  


It took Jaemin a moment but he burst out, “S-something cool!” Remembering that resounding sensation he felt when he heard Jeno strung that guitar. He wanted to hear that again. 

  
  
  


Jeno didn’t know but what Jaemin had said made something inside of him feel incredibly giddy, and _excited_. “Talk about vague.” He grinned before his practice-hard calloused fingers strummed over the strings, diverse notes played from his precise movements.

  
  
  


Yuta and Taeyong were both surprised at their youngest band member. _Oh. He’s really into this._ Clearly, the other was fired up even if he was the one who told them that they should just play like what they used to, and of course, they’re not going to let their sneaky young guitarist hog all the glory. Taeyong hummed as he plucked his bass guitar, his low hum mixing with the bass, Yuta blinked at him, not expecting the older to do something like that but went on with them as the blond gestured for him to follow through. Together the three of them played, the sound of their music resonating on the four corners of the studio. They were all into it, but Jeno was visibly fired up. He had that cheeky grin while playing and the two older musicians just went with it. Jaemin was just staring at them, taking it, living it. He had that dreamy longing look since he heard Jeno play, he just wanted to feel more, live more because of _music_. 

***

  
  


“Why am I walking you back home?” Jeno groaned as he and Jaemin both walked home from the studio. The other was still spacey and dazed, but Jeno was taken aback when the other suddenly asked if he could come see them play again. “No.” He refused reluctantly, looking away from the other’s solemn face, “Then… Teach me guitar please?” Jaemin softly asked. 

  
  
  


The guitarist was still not having any of it, “No. I told you I haven’t taught anyone guitar. Go join the light band club—” Jeno didn’t finish as he hurriedly grasped for the other’s arms and pulled Jaemin in at the further side of the sidewalk. A speeding car almost hit the other, “That was close! Watch your back!” He held the other close to him, too and after seeing their compromising positions, he hurriedly let go of the other. Jaemin wasn’t fazed. “I can’t see my back.” was his soft excuse. 

  
  
  


“I’m not trying to be mean, this is for your own sake.” With that, Jeno turned to the other side of the road and went home. 

  
  


***

  
  


Jeno was bothered the whole day after. He couldn’t help but to feel restless and stressed by the other. He knew what he did last night was quite... not nice. And the crestfallen face of Jaemin was the last thing he saw from the other before they parted ways. The guitarist knew to himself that what he did was only the right thing… He didn’t know how to teach other people the guitar as he himself was only self-taught. But he was still disturbed the whole time that he was out of his usual game during their basketball practice. Jeno knew it was bugging him, so he subbed himself out and went to his special napping place, he just needed his peace of mind. He knew that Jaemin was there, waiting for him with _that_ look on his face and Jeno was ready to face the other to get his peace of mind. 

  
  


What he wasn’t ready for was the empty place. _Huh? Jaemin isn't here?_ He tried to look for the other above the usual flight of stairs, the hollow below the stairs, but still, _He was not there._

The raven-haired sat at his napping spot, deep on his thoughts about why Jaemin was not in _their—his_ napping spot— bothered him so much. _Did he give up? Well… I wasn’t here during lunch time… But still...._

  
  
  


Jeno went to his napping spot the next day, during lunch time. The same time they did meet the past few days… _But still no sign of Jaemin._ Jeno went there during his lunch, after his practice, every day _. But still no Jaemin._

  
  
  


Days passed and Jeno was just perplexed… He didn’t exactly know what to think of this, so it might have been obvious in his face even at his part-time job that Yuta had to snap him back to reality. 

  
  
  


“Did something happen with… wait what was his name again? Jae? Jem?” Yuta questioned as he poked Jeno’s side. The younger one let out a defeated, “Jaemin.” Yuta shrugged as he motioned for Jeno to follow him back to the staff room, their shift now over and Jeno just didn’t notice it. 

  
  
  


“”Well. I think you should let him hang out with you,” The pierced man continued as he changed to his regular clothes, “It’s a good motivation for you I think…” Jeno turned to him at that, “Well… You were on fire the other day we were jamming and he was there.” Yuta finished with a smug look. He knew if he played his cards right this time, it’ll be fruitful for his little Jeno. 

  
  
  
  


Jeno gave him a look. Yuta just snickered and concluded, “Whatever, let’s go to the studio.”

***

  
  


To say he was surprised was an understatement. He didn’t see the guy for the past few days, he was bothered by it and apparently, it showed on his face, as pointed out by his senior. Jeno was beyond stunned. Before him stood Na Jaemin, doing a weird hand shake with Taeyong. Yuta took a moment before he went inside but Jeno was just stunned. The guy he’d been thinking about, well, bothered about was there now. And Taeyong explained that Jaemin was sitting outside the studio so he let him in like a wind that just passed through him.

  
  
  


All that’s screaming in his head right now is that _Na Jaemin is in front of him_. In flesh. After days of him being gone like a ghost. He’s there now. Jeno can’t help it when he jolted, pointing an accusing finger to the unknowing guy, “Ya you!!! What are you doing here?!” Yuta tried to shush him down whereas Taeyong looked like he wasn’t bothered by the sudden outburst, instead, he nudged at Jaemin who was beside him, dismissing Jeno’s sudden frenzy. “Ah Jeno, listen to this though! This is more important.” 

  
  
  


Jaemin held his Gibson, cradling its neck as he positioned his fingers, “I… I can change the strings by myself.” he started, and when Jeno had acknowledged it with a grunt, Jaemin continued, “And… look at this,” his long fingers positioned at the chord and then he strummed. It was nice. The sound came out nice. Jeno couldn’t help but to let out a surprised “Oh”, Jaemin now looked at him before asking if he did get the tuning right. Jeno halted for a moment, noticing plasters on the other’s fingers, clearly indicating that he was practicing to the point where he developed blisters. 

  
  
  


He was still at loss so he can’t help but to ask, “Didn’t you go to the light music club?”

  
  


The younger started fumbling at his guitar as he responded, “I did. They had all kinds of people and instruments there and it seemed fun but...” Jaemin’s face morphed into something fond, he was fond of his thoughts that followed, he smiled. “You were a lot more cooler, Jeno.” 

  
  
  


Not only Jeno, but Yuta and Taeyong as well were all flustered with that. It was unusual for all of them to hear a compliment like that, a genuine and earnest compliment like what Jaemin had said. And it just stunned all of them, Jeno felt like something warm just churned on his insides. He didn’t know, he couldn’t tell, it was just warm it made him want to curl. 

  
  
  


Jaemin, not aware that he just caused the three some inner turmoil with themselves, as he was just really happy that he could show this to Jeno, to them, because they somehow helped him with it, and he wants to continue doing this. 

  
  
  


“So… Please teach me more about the guitar.” 

***

  
  


“Jeno… Are you going to teach me how to play the guitar?” Jaemin perked up. He was still a bit sleepy but seeing Jeno with another guitar, probably his, would only meant that the other finally gave in to teaching him.

  
  
  


The older grunted as he took out his guitar from the case. “You’re still going to pester me about it, might as well get this all over with.” He defeatedly sighed. Jaemin beside him just smiled and fumbled on his guitar, “Thank you.” 

  
  
  


Days passed and Jeno just gave in teaching the brunet the guitar. He taught Jaemin how to hold the guitar properly, how to tune, how to strum, the positions and the chords. He invited the brunet to their band’s practice where Jaemin could also get tips and be guided by Taeyong and Yuta. The older two didn’t mind, they were fond of Jaemin too to be honest, the kid was just like a breath of fresh air, though sometimes they do sympathize with Jeno on how clueless the other lad can be, but he’s in Jeno’s care so it’s still fine. Jeno is good at taking care of others albeit not being aware of it, and he’s also responsible and they knew the kid wouldn’t invite the other if he wasn’t fully aware of what he is doing so they let them be. It was always a nice (and funny) scene to see Jeno being a doting ‘teacher’ to the other. 

  
  
  


Plus Jaemin is a good kid, he took up Taeyong’s advice to get a part time job if he was serious about doing and playing his guitar. Playing guitar isn’t just that strumming of the strings, he would need money to rent a studio and of course, maintain the good condition of his instrument. Unlike Yuta and Jeno who had labor jobs, like moving services and convenient store staff, especially Yuta, the dude can do ranges of flexible and odd jobs.

  
  
  


“I do motorcycle deliveries, work as an events waiter and a security guard.” The dual colored-haired man nonchalantly listed off his head, Taeyong who was beside him, was shocked and bewildered with the jobs the other man did, shrieked, “Oi, when did you do all of that?!” Yuta just smirked and shrugged, _“What, you wanted to see that?”_

  
  


Their night ended with Jaemin wanting to try that concert-venue related job, and Jeno on his ‘walk-Jaemin-home’ task. He then asked the other on how far he would want to know or play his guitar, to which Jaemin reluctantly yet with a smile answered, “I am not sure... but I had fun.” Jeno, who saw how the other’s face lit up a bit with his last words, became flustered and sped off. 

***

“Hey, when did you and… um, Jaemin hyung became _good friends_ suddenly?” Chenle, who was eating across Jeno asked out of the blue, munching his bread as he watched the older’s face painted in confusion. “Good friends?” Jeno choked. _Why do his friends call him and Jaemin good friends_ ? _They were far from being good friends._

  
  


  
“Well, you and Jaemin are always seen together nowadays, Jeno.” a soft voice interjected at his back, Jeno was startled, but when he saw it was Herin, he blinked. The girl just smiled at him sweetly before continuing, “...You know, the girls are all wondering about it. You two aren’t really that sociable, and you’re both from different classes and personalities so... ” She put her hands on her back and stood before him now.

Jeno wasn’t bothered, but he was curious, “They were wondering?” Herin nodded, “Yeah, I mean, Jaemin is pretty handsome you know. He has a lot of secret admirers, but he was quiet so he seems to be unapproachable—” Chenle cut her off as he nudged at Jeno and pointed at their classroom door, where Jaemin was peeking, his guitar at his back.

Jeno bid the two off with a smile and a wave as he swiftly took his guitar and headed out with Jaemin. 

Herin stared at Jeno's retreating back. 

***

The two were back to _their spot_. Jeno was teaching Jaemin how to strum consecutively and he couldn’t help but to think how fast Jaemin was learning that he thought he should be, despite not knowing a single thing about music. But most of the time, Jeno doesn’t know how to deal with Jaemin. The brunet is still an enigma to him, the keen ears he has for music, why he was so interested in learning music, why his guitar isn’t one you see from a beginner...

  
  
  


“Hey, did you get that guitar from your dad or something?” Jeno asked, subconsciously pointing at the said guitar in question.

Jaemin shook his head, “No, I don’t have a dad.” Jeno froze. _Shit, did he just open up a sensitive topic_ ? But Jaemin’s face didn’t show any signs of discomfort, but _still_ .

“Oh... Sorry. ” Jeno quickly apologized. “Music… What kind of music do you like?” He tried to divert into another topic, he’s really bad at this socializing stuff but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t _try_. “A favorite song? Something like that, you have at least one, right?”

  
  
  


There was only radio silence and Jeno wondered if he’s getting through to the other. Jaemin tilted his head in wonder, “I dunno…?” He trailed off, completely wondering too. “...but, I don’t really know if it’s one I really like, but there’s a song that plays in my head all the time...” Jaemin continued, and Jeno, who almost surrendered at how disoriented their conversation is, perked with that. “What’s it called?” Jaemin thought for a moment, before answering, “I don’t know the name.” Jeno noticed though that the other tightened his hold to his guitar before continuing, “...but it goes like this,” Jaemin took a breath, then the air was filled with a melodious song the second after.

_NaNaNa~NaNaNa~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaNa~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaNa~..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 

_NaNaNaNa..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaaNaa.._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaaNaaaa.._.𝅘𝅥𝅮

  
  
  


Jeno couldn’t breathe, he was so overwhelmed. _What was that?_ It felt like the song was ripping him apart, stunning his whole being out. It was leaving him breathless, so winded… Jeno wanted _more_.

  
  
  


“Jeno…?” Jaemin wondered, clearly not aware of the storm he brought upon the other. 

  
  
  


The raven-haired guitarist flusteredly faced the other, he couldn’t calm down, his heart was thumping and he just needed to ask this.

  
  
  


“You… Do you want to join our band?”

***

_Make it alive, Make him alive._ He wanted to make the guitar alive, that’s why when he heard Jeno strum that chord on the guitar it struck him to his core. _It’s alive, it’s alive again._ And Jaemin wanted more, it struck him that the guitar was fixed and was alive, and he had to just make it more alive, that’s why he was so adamant for Jeno to teach him the guitar, 

  
  
  


But right now, alive isn’t exactly the feeling he has, he was just an empty, hollow and a barren human being. He can’t feel himself most of the time, the last time he felt something was when Jeno stuck that guitar again, but he himself cannot feel most of the time, the days were just passing by and being alive like this isn’t really living. So no, Jaemin couldn’t join a band like this, he knew he can’t right now. 

***

Jeno couldn’t believe it. ‘ _What the hell was that supposed to mean?! Didn’t he want this in the long run? He’s so weird.’_ He couldn’t understand why Jaemin turned him down.

  
  
  


_Jaemin looked baffled, his eyes turned wide and he took a breath, Jeno held his breath, it was the first time he asked someone like this, but he can’t help it. How can he help it when his ears are still ringing from that song._

  
  
  


_The brunet hung his head down and held his hands together, Jeno wasn’t exactly ready for the next words that came out, “Sorry, I don’t think… I should.”_

  
  
  


Jeno couldn’t understand, he just couldn’t, Chenle who was there listening to his rants about it the whole day said maybe he just didn’t expect Jaemin to turn him down, well, maybe he really didn’t. He didn’t okay—he expected the other to accept and be with his normal, ‘ _Thank you Jeno._ ’ mode, but no, not that. So yes, maybe he’s frustrated, and maybe he’s a bit mad but it’s all logical okay, what’s not logical was the other to reject him like this when he’s so adamant for him to teach him about the guitar. It just doesn’t make sense. But no, there’s no way he’s gonna give up when he has heard that. _No._

  
  
  
  
  
  
***

The next time he saw Jaemin was when the other was waiting to cross the street. 

  
  


“Hey! Jaemin!” Jeno called the brunet, making him stop and face him. ‘ _Good, good, now you’re gonna confront him why doesn’t he want to join the band_.’

  
  
  


“Jeno...” The other just smiled. “Don’t you have work today?”

  
  
  


The guitarist composed himself. “You want to learn how to play the guitar, right?”

  
  
  


“Yeah.” The brunet blinked, but nodded. 

  
  
  


Jeno continued, “You’re interested in bands, right?”

  
  
  


“Yeah.” 

  
  
  


“You can sing, right?” Jeno asked carefully. 

  
  
  


“...”

  
  
  


The raven haired called out, “Hey you were supposed to say ‘Yeah’ on this one too!” 

  
  
  
  


But the other one wasn’t even paying attention to him, as Jaemin’s eyes were glued to the street light above them, and then it changed color, and the vehicles slowed down to make way for the pedestrians, “Oh, it’s green,” Jaemin stated, as he faced to the road and bid Jeno off, “...Then, I’ll be on my way here.”

  
  
  


  
“HAH?!” Jeno was left dumbfounded, he watched as Jaemin crossed the street, halted for a moment on the other side to wave at him, and just went off. 

***

Back at his home, Jeno was lazing off in their living room with his sister, Yeeun, who was on her phone as usual. Jeno was still in deep thought on how he would ask Jaemin again even though the other had refused him once—that thing on the road wasn’t counted, okay?! He knew Jaemin didn’t hate his band, so then, _why?!_

  
  
  
  


Then he heard her sister snickering on whatever was on her phone, her sister that Yuta had somehow ‘dumped.’ _Oh._

  
  
  
  


“Hey, Yeeun” He turned to face his sister, who answered him with a curt, “Hm?”

  
  
  


  
“How did you keep hold of Yuta-hyung even though he had dumped you several—”

  
  
  
  


Jeno didn’t finish his sentence as his sister shut him up with a throw pillow. He shouldn’t have said that. 

***

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The next day, Jeno waited for Jaemin in front of the halls before classes start, but the brunet excused himself in before Jeno could tell him what he really wanted to tell, the other promised to listen to him during their lunchtime, but came the said time, and Jaemin didn’t show up to _their spot_. Jeno did wait for minutes before he stormed off to the other’s classroom, only seeing the pretty brunet slumped on his table, scribbling fast on his notebooks and workbook, when Jaemin saw him, he sheepishly said he forgot to do his homework and went back at it. Jeno let him off, but when he came back after school, one of Jaemin’s classmates told Jeno he went home already. 

  
  
  


Jeno wanted to scream.

  
  
  


And Yuta and Taeyong laughing their asses off once they heard the whole thing that had happened that morning isn’t helping with his mood. 

  
  
  


“Oh god, this is hilarious!!” Taeyong squealed, stomach hurting from too much laughter.

  
  
  


Yuta tried to calm Taeyong down, who’s boisterous laugh now resonating in the four walls of their practice studio as he shamelessly laughed at Jeno’s pissed face, but he himself was clearly having a hard time containing his own laugh, the puff of his cheeks and the obvious strain of giggles that was on his throat and tears threatening to fall because of it. “Taeyong, s-stop, Jen’s gonna get mad.”

  
  
  


“Ugh, hyung!! Stop it!” Jeno grumbled as the two didn’t restraint themselves anymore and went on full blown guffaws. “Ugh, he didn’t even come here? Is he really avoiding me?!” 

  
  
  
  


“Ah, no, no, he has a job interview today.” Taeyong breathed, trying to calm down from his laughter.

  
  
  


Jeno was confused. “Huh? How did you know that Taeyong hyung?” 

  
  
  


“Huh? Uh, he texted me?” The bassist simply replied. Well, it was the truth, Jaemin did send him a text about the job interview that he will have that day from the live venue place that he recommended. He was glad for the kid, he even wished him good luck. _Why was Jeno confused? Unless..._ “Oh? Jeno? Could it be that you don’t have Jaemin’s number?”

  
  
  


The guitarist in question froze. Then frowned. Clearly adamant to vocally proclaim that _No, he didn’t have Jaemin’s number saved_. He turned to their drummer beside him, who was completely holding back a snicker, but shaking his head as he denied that he had the brunet’s number too. 

  
  
  


Taeyong sat them down and reasoned out to their younger band mate that this was Jaemin’s way to really pursue and do music, that the kid’s really trying and doing the things they advised him so he could continue playing and learning about music and bands like he asked the first time they met him. Taeyong could still see Jeno pouting at that, still stubborn as ever. “So?” he huffed.

  
  
  


The two older ones cannot help but to look at each other in confusion, hilarity and sigh in acceptance that their younger band mate still cannot understand, so Taeyong carefully offered, “Jen, did you actually ask Jaemin why?” When the guitarist just grunted, Taeyong continued, “...when you were wondering why he declined, did you actually _asked_ him why?” Jeno then _‘oh’_ -ed. The blond sighed and added, “You didn’t even get his number, you should probably hear him out. Music is about _communication._ ” He emphasized at the end as he tried to make his point. 

  
  
  


After their practice ended and they let Jeno off early to clear his head, Taeyong confided to Yuta if he had gone too far with reprimanding the younger guitarist, in which the other just smirked, ruffled his long blond hair and just said to stand firm as he is everyone’s hyung. Taeyong was flustered of course, and as much as he wanted to hide his crush, it was really hard for him since Yuta was really touchy with him. He just hoped the other wouldn’t notice the flush on his face. “Let’s go home.” The drummer declared.

***

  
  


Jeno was on his way home but his mind wandered to what Taeyong said, then Jaemin’s reluctant face and gesture when he offered him the position. “ _Communication_.” Jeno bolted to the other direction. 

***

  
  
  


“Then you’ll be starting here next week.” The owner of the place gladly concluded. He offered his hand to the young brunet, to which Jaemin pleasantly shook and said his gratitude with a smile. He was then left with the assistant to briefly tour him and give instructions about his work on the live venue before he was free to go for the night.

  
  
  


When Jaemin got out from the place, he didn’t expect to see Jeno waiting for him in front of the establishment. He was glad, and kind of excited to tell the other that he got the job. He brisked in front of the other and called the guitarist. Jeno responded on the call of his name, but was not ready when he saw it was Jaemin that called and stood in front of him. “Hey. I heard you had a job interview, how did it go?” 

  
  
  


Jaemin nodded and affirmed that he will start by next week. A small proud smile on his face. Jeno was clearly taken aback a bit, but he must do this, _Communication! Communication!_

  
  
  
  


The pair didn’t notice that there was another person who was staring at them, well… Staring at Jaemin specifically. 

  
  
  
  


“ _Nana…?_ ”

  
  
  
  


With that single word, that single name, Jeno watched as Jaemin’s passive posture and face became startled, panicked, then petrified as he looked to the person who called him ‘ _Nana_ ’.

  
  
  
  


The guy stood there as surprised as Jaemin, he had brown hair too, but much lighter and there were several streaks of other colors—green, red, orange and blue—that accentuated his colorful hair. The guy had earrings on his ears too and he wore a different uniform than them so Jeno is guessing the other guy was an old friend of Jaemin. The guy called Jaemin again, “ _Nana_.” This time his voice was more sure and confident.

Whereas Jaemin backed away from him. But the guy kept on, his face judging every single move that Jaemin does, “What are you doing?” Jaemin stepped back one more. “You… just disappeared.” Jeno wanted to intervene, wanted to shield Jaemin from the other guy but… he was just as frozen from everything he’s hearing right now. “Wait… What the hell… That thing on your back...” Jaemin’s body kept on backing away from where he stood every single word that came out from the other guy’s mouth. Jeno was also shaken from Jaemin’s reaction. It was like the other was seeing a ghost. He tried to get in between, even just to give Jaemin a breather, “Did you know this guy—”

  
  
  
  
  


“That’s Mark’s guitar, right?”

  
  
  
  
  


That sentence alone was the final blow to whatever’s holding Jaemin from there, from that guy. Jaemin bolted away. From that guy, from Jeno.

He didn’t know what to do anymore right now. He didn’t want to hear anything anymore right now. He didn’t want to answer any questions right now. Not even Jeno’s alarmed, “JAEMIN! ”

***

  
  


The red guitar reminded him of everything he loved, and everything he lost. 

  
  
  


When it was given to him, he wanted to throw it away so badly. He wanted to break it. He wanted to just make it disappear. _Maybe this empty feeling will be gone too_ . But he can’t. He won’t. As much as it reminded him of everything he had lost, it also reminded him of everything he had, _they_ had. 

  
  
  


Being reminded about the truth the red guitar at his back has was just a slap at his face right now.

  
  


Mark was gone. 

  
  
  


Mark is not coming back. 

  
  
  


_Mark… Mark… Mark…_   
  
  
  


Jaemin was good at running away. When he was in grade school, he would always be on races. He was always on the run. That’s why even with his feelings, he keeps on running away from it. He didn’t exactly know how to deal with them, didn’t know exactly how to react at all. He can’t… do it, deal with it like everybody else has. _He just couldn’t do it well._

_So he runs._

***

Jeno didn’t exactly know what happened. But when he saw Jaemin run away, his body went on auto-pilot and tried to reach for him, trying to get to him. “Jaemin!” He shouted, he called for the other’s name but it was like his voice just passed on deaf ears of the other. So he chased him, until he finally caught the other boy on his arm and halted him down. Jeno tugged the other to face him, Jaemin’s head was down, his fringe covered most of his eyes and Jeno was afraid he made the other upset with his stunt. He let go of the pretty brunet and tried to fix his messy hair, peering delicately, “Are you... crying?” The brunet shook his head. No, he wasn’t crying. _But his face was visibly upset, and yet, he still looked beautiful_ , the black-haired guitarist noted. _What’s with that face?_

When the both of them calmed down a little, Jeno tried to understand, so he tried asking, “Are you alright?” The other just hummed a little. If they weren’t alone right now, Jeno would’ve missed it. He continued, “What’s with that guy?” When he was answered with silence, he tried once more. “Who’s Mark?” Jaemin was still not moving, but his eyes glossed. Jeno felt so awful all of a sudden, but more than ever, he was worried. “Is that something you can’t tell me?”

Silence means yes, it seems. 

  
  
  


“Does this have something to do with the reason why you don’t want to join the band?” That made Jaemin flinch and shook his head in disagreement. “No. It doesn’t. It wasn’t that...” His voice was so small and the guitarist was still more confused now, if the brunet just said it has, he would leave it like that, but it doesn’t? _What does that mean?_

  
  
  
  


“Then why?” Jeno asked solemnly. 

  
  
  
  


Jaemin stared down, his eyes were glassy, and Jeno was scared it might just break but he just needed answers too. “If you’re in a band… you need to express yourself in front of the people, right? And people always tell me that I look like I’m not thinking and feeling anything most of the time.” He clutched his long nimble fingers at the hem of his cardigan before continuing, “...and sometimes, I think they're right. I’m bad at expressing myself compared to others...”

  
  
  


Jeno felt his brows twitch. He couldn't exactly comprehend what the other was saying right now, ‘ _bad at expressing himself!?!_ ’ Oh, he could feel his insides turn at that. Jaemin was still mumbling to himself when Jeno finally exploded all of his annoyance at what Jaemin was saying about himself right now. “Are you messing with me?! There’s no way that you’re not thinking about anything! You’re bad at expressing yourself?!” Jeno could feel himself trembling, he just couldn’t let the other do this to himself when he felt something boil on him deep down the first time he heard it.

“The whole reason why I invited you to our band… was because your song shook me to my very core!” Jeno seethed and panted, shaking and heaving as he held onto the other who looked like he just realized the whole shit he had sputtered a while ago.

_How could you say that with such a pained look at your face_?

“Jaemin… sing for me. I like that song too.”

  
  


Jeno was pretty sure that he became a complete mess ever since he had met Jaemin. He wanted to stop it, he wanted to deny him so badly but he can’t, he doesn’t know why but he can’t… _even if it hurts_. 

  
  
  
  


A moment passed, then the brunet took a deep breath and sang. 

  
  
  
  


Jaemin hated that song, hated that guitar, he hated both to his very core. But whenever he tried to get rid of it, to forget it, there was like a whisper from _him_ that kept him frozen and unable to let it go, like a lullaby that calmed him down, because it’s both the only thing he had from _him_.

  
  
  
  


_NaNaNa~NaNaNa~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaNa~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaNa~..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 

_NaNaNaNa..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaaNaa.._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _NaNaNaaNaaaa.._.𝅘𝅥𝅮

  
  
  
  
  


It was like a curse, but then it was his saving grace also. 

***

Unbeknownst to the both of them, Yuta was on the other side of the road where they had stopped. Unbeknownst to the both of them, Yuta knew what was going on to the both of them, even though he did not expect this. 

***

Back to the live venue, Renjun made his way through the crowd, looking for a certain _chocoball with sprinkles_ as he would like to describe him on his head, and when he saw the other boy on a secluded side, head down and eyes hidden unlike his usual upbeat self, Renjun knew that there’s something wrong. 

  
  
  
  


He went beside to his friend and touched his face with his hand, the other still didn't raise his head. Renjun was getting really concerned now, “’Hyuck, what’s wrong?”

  
  
  
  


Donghyuck finally looked at him with a troubled face and croaked, “‘Junnie... I saw _Nana_.”

***

Jeno handed Jaemin a can of a fizzy drink. 

  
  
  
  


They both leaned on the pole railing of the bike racks where their guitars were carefully placed on. Jaemin silently padded the can before declaring he cannot drink fizzy drinks, which made Jeno freeze in his spot and offer his can of Latte, which Jaemin also refused and said he cannot drink milk. 

  
  
  


Jaemin chuckled a little when he saw Jeno panicked a bit before saying it’s fine. _He’s fine_. 

  
  
  
  


Another moment passed before Jaemin asked, “Are you really sure about me?” 

  
  
  
  


Jeno glanced at the brunet on his side, he made that decision from that time, of course he was sure. He just wanted the other to be sure now too. “How many times would I have to say ‘ _Yes, I am sure._ ’?” The guitarist huffed.

  
  
  
  
  


When Mark’s mother had given him the guitar he felt like it was her way to unabashedly told him in his face that it was his fault that his son was now gone. _Mark is now gone because of you._ But the woman seemed to read his mind like her own child and told him the opposite. Of course Mark’s mom knew him too much like she was her mother. She _is_ one of his mothers.

  
  
  


_“Jaemin-ah, I’m sorry. I know it’s selfish. I know you’re hurting so bad too, I know… But you see, Minhyung would want this to happen, he would want you to have it. I know I’m being unreasonable but please, my son loves that guitar almost as much as he loves you, so please have it. **This is him.** He would be lifeless if it’s with me… **Make it alive… Make him alive. Be alive. Live, Jaemin.** ” _

  
  
  
  


The strung of the guitar still rings in his ears, his heart thumped whenever he remembered that moment—when Jeno struck that guitar, when the music rang throughout the whole space of the room. _When he felt alive._

  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’ll do it. I’ll join your band.” Jaemin softly declared, facing Jeno with a clear face and a small smile that resonates how much he wanted to be alive. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


———

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jeno was so absorbed with what he was doing that he didn’t hear his sister’s thunderous shouts for him to come down and eat. He was absorbed in the music he’s composing, so absorbed with the notes and nothing really matters right now. He only broke from what he was doing when Yeeun kicked his door down, unsightly for a woman because she’s only wearing her brasserie and pants, but Jeno was used to it, what Jeno isn’t used to was that scowl in her face. He took off his noise-cancelling headphones to hear what she was fuming about. 

  
  
  
  


The older sibling was stunned from where she stood. She thought Jeno was just blatantly ignoring her because of that pillow-smacking that happened the other day. But no. His little brother was slumped on the floor, his composing notebook and several crumpled paper litter around him, he had his noise-cancelling headphones on—which means he was composing again. It’s been months, maybe years even since she saw him like this again. _He’s getting hooked to music again._

  
  
  
  


“Sorry, what is it? Food?” The younger Lee asked his blinking sister. When she still didn’t reply the second after, he made a face and chided, “What are you wearing? I’m telling Yuta hyung about this.” His sister scowled back at him and growled, “Hah?! Do you want dinner or not?!!” When the younger dismissed her with a simple “I’ll be down.” She knew she had to go. She knew that Jeno wouldn’t really come down until some time later, or skip all of it this night. She knew. She wondered what happened. 

What ignited her little brother again.

***

Yeeun was well-known in her university. She was a pageant queen, and an amateur model. She knew what the other students say about her—that she’s all just pretty and cold—she didn’t care. All she cared about were the people who knew and accepted her as who she really is, and one of those was Nakamoto Yuta. Yuta and her were classmates to one of her subjects. Everyone fussed on her because she was _pretty_. But Yuta didn’t care for that. He treated her like a normal person and Yeeun fell for that. She liked him. And when she knew that Jeno and Yuta formed a band together, she couldn’t be happier, she can be close to him without much problem. 

  
  
  


It worked well because Yuta also confides to her when it comes to Jeno. Yuta was careful with his brother despite his intimidating facade, he cared for his brother and Yeeun was more convinced how a good man Yuta is. That’s why she knew she could ask Yuta about what was going on with Jeno.

“Are you going to do a gig or something?” She asked, they were walking to the parking lot, Yuta forgetting something at the compartment of his motorbike for his next class and she tagged along. When she caught the other’s perplexed face, she elaborated, “...Jeno was working hard composing something, he didn’t eat and was just fiddling his guitar. His room was a mess.” _And Jeno didn’t like anything messy_. “...I didn’t know what he’s up to, but he’s seriously into it.”

There was a pause on Yuta’s actions before he let out an undignified “Huh,” It seems like the other knew but was just hesitant or not sure if he should tell it to the older sister. Yeeun prodded more, “...It’s like he’s back to how he used to be.” When Yuta didn’t budge, the pretty girl sighed and let the other off, clearly not in the inclination to chat. “My point is, if you’re going to do an actual gig, invite me, okay?” The drummer nodded, ruffling her hair like what he always does with Jeno, “Sure.”

***

“Jeno hyung!” Jisung called, leaning on the door of their classroom as he and Chenle stopped to invite the older to come with them. The raven-haired boy was slumped on his desk, sleeping out. Chenle tried to wake up the older, “Jeno hyung, your favorite part of the day is now here! Lunch time!!” But still, the guitarist didn’t move at all. ‘ _Ah, he’s knocked dead._ ’ They both thought.

Herin was then in front of them, offering to wake Jeno up with a sweet smile. The two younger boys wondered if Herin liked Jeno, they watched as the girl poked Jeno at his side while whispering his name and telling him it’s lunchtime.

The two were then startled from their thoughts when Jaemin, a guitar on his back, approached them and asked, “Is… Jeno here?” Chenle smiled at the older, clearly amused and happy that Jaemin was around. He looked back at their classroom and pointed where Jeno was still slumped at his desk, the girl still poking him, trying to wake him up. “I think Herin was still waking him up.” 

  
  
  
  


The two younger boys urged the older guy to peek into their classroom, letting him see the listless guitarist on his desk. Another moment passed, before Jaemin let out a loud, “Jeno!!!” from the door of the classroom, Jisung and Chenle were startled beside him, clearly didn’t know that the other could let out a loud voice like that, Herin, who was about to poke Jeno again, flinched and was frozen from her stance.

Well, Jeno was also awakened by that. After a second, he got up, surprising Herin again for the second time that day. “Oh, he’s up.” Jisung commented, “That means he’s doing guitar today, c’mon, ‘Sungie, let’s ask the other guys from the other class.” Chenle laughed. The raven-haired picked up his guitar, excused himself to the blinking girl in front of him, smiled before passing at her and went to where Jaemin was waiting for him at the door. Jeno sluggishly ruffled the brunet’s silky locks to greet him as he dismissed Jisung and Chenle where he promised to do basketball tomorrow.

  
  
  
  


Herin watched as Jeno and Jaemin made their way through the hall and disappeared, another one of their classmates, Lami, approached her and jokingly told her that Jaemin had _‘snatched’_ Jeno from her. Her distaste for that statement must’ve shown on her face as Lami pointed it out as she huffed, “I don’t understand boys! Are they really close like _that_ when they get along well?!” she gritted, Herin just… Felt something off with how close Jeno and Jaemin became just after a few days they were always seen hanging out. Somehow she felt uneasy with it. She couldn’t blurt it out with the boys obviously so she was glad Lami was there now opening up that topic, speaking of the latter, the girl let out a strangled laugh, “Ah, are you talking about Jaemin?” she started faintly, her smile dropping a bit as if she was recalling something that wasn’t really pleasant, “What about Jaemin?” Herin urged, more attentive now to her friend, “I went to the same Junior High School as Jaemin y’know...” Herin waited, clearly, there’s more to it that Lami was saying, “...I’m not in the position to say this, but, there were _those kinds of rumors_ about him.”

The girl prodded more to her friend, and the other reluctantly told her everything she knew about the time from the Junior High and when she finished, Herin was void of any emotion. He just feel so sick all of a sudden.

  
  
  
  


Herin didn’t know if she felt like throwing up because of the rumors, or because of _that_. 

***

They were back on their spot, the stairs behind the gymnasium and Jeno was still sleepy but he managed to ask Jaemin as he tried to get his sleepiness away, “Jaemin, do you have something to do on Saturday?” The boy in question was fiddling on his guitar, “I have work in the evening. But I’m free.” Jeno nodded, and still continued, his voice still laced with sleep but he offered to go to check out some effect pedals, then proceeded to explain how they work and such to the newbie. Jeno’s words dragged, but it was still clear and Jaemin could still understand most of what he was explaining.

When Jeno snickered if he had money, Jaemin shook his head, “Not much...” In which the guitarist chuckled at. It was nice. Jeno’s soft laugh was nice, Jaemin noted, amusedly noting how Jeno’s eyes turned crescent while he laughed, Jeno was pretty handsome. Then the latter had an ominous aura on his face as he decided that he would not go easy on the brunet anymore if they’re going to teach him all of this, and since he was on the band now, he’ll not spoil him anymore. Jaemin flinched at that, he knew what the other was talking about but, another thought came to his mind, one that he saw a while ago. 

  
  
  


_Jeno won’t spoil him anymore huh..._ The image of Herin poking and petting Jeno awake made him feel unease. Jaemin knew it was weird to think of it like that, but… “Jeno..?.” he started. “Hm?” The older waited, but the brunet kept silent for a while now, “Hey, what is it?” The guitarist tried once more, but was only answered with more silence. Jaemin looked like he wanted to say something, but he wouldn’t let it out. “Ah, I get it, okay okay… Just tell me when you’re ready, okay?” He shrugged off.

Jaemin was glad, he didn’t know how to say that he was thinking about how Jeno was spoiled by others. And he felt… uneasy about it. 

“Jeno… you’ve been working on something lately, right?” He tried. The guitarist seemed to piped up with that, his drowsiness suddenly came off and he nodded like a puppy, _like his samoyed puppy_ , Jaemin thought. “Ah, yes yes!” Jeno grinned.“I’m writing a song for you, actually.” Jaemin gasped. “A song?!!” Then his face perked up and his auburn eyes sparkled, Jeno hasn't seen the other as excited as this. 

“That song in your head… I figured I might be able to turn it into an actual song.” 

Jaemin couldn’t believe it. “You remembered it?!”

The guitarist quirked his brow with that, “Huh? Of course I do. I’ve heard it twice now.” _How can I not?_

_Nanananaa Nanananana Nanananana Nananananana.._ “...goes on like that, right?” 

  
  
  


Jaemin’s face looked so amazed and he was in full scale sparkle-like glowing mode. “You’re so cool!”

  
  


“I’ve been filling the missing parts by myself, though.”

  
  


“I still want to hear it!”

  
  


After that, they went to the band practice to formally let Jaemin join the band. Needless to say, Taeyong was baffled when Jaemin sang in front of him.

Their days went on like that, school, band practice, guitar, basketball (Chenle tried to recruit Jaemin into playing with them one day, but failed, only to be betrayed another moment on when the latter agreed when Jisung was the one who the brunet to play with them, when asked why, all he said was, “...because Jisungie is cute, and he called me hyung.” “But I called you hyung too!” “...Jisungie is cute.”; Jeno was more baffled that Jaemin could smile and laugh so freely and wildly like what he did when they were playing though.)

Until Jaehyun, one of Taeyong’s friends and patrons to the coffee shop he works at, offered for them to play at a live concert he was organizing. 

  
  


They were deciding which song they should play until Taeyong pointed out that it’ll be in July, meaning it’ll be less than two months since Jaemin joined them. Jeno took responsibility in teaching the other his guitar, smiling devilishly as he threatened the other that he would train him rigorously in time for the performance. Jaemin paled at that. The two older band members amusedly watched. 

***

Jeno’s class were asked to pick a partner and try to draw each other’s portraits, but before he could ask any other classmate he has, Herin went in front of him and asked him to pair up. Jeno just nodded and agreed, taking his drawing pad and pencil.

  
  
  


They were seated across each other, not speaking, only scribbling and the scratches of their pencil along the paper can be heard, until Herin peered through her drawing pad. “I wonder...” Jeno just hummed, acknowledging her, she continued, “I wonder if _Jaemin likes_ _you_ , Jeno.”

_Did he just hear that right?_ “What?”

  
  


When the girl didn’t exactly acknowledge his outburst, he tried to laugh it off, “Well, I don’t think that he hates me..?”

  
  
  


“Uhuh, you see, I heard that he was going out with a _guy_ in the same school he went at.”

  
  
  


Jeno stopped what he's drawing now and stared at her, didn’t know what to say. “Huh?” 

  
  
  


Herin continued, eyes piercing and serious, “...and what’s more. His _boyfriend_ suddenly committed suicide months before they graduate.” Every single word was like needles piercing Jeno’s body. _Quickly, deeply, painfully._

  
  
  


“There’s a rumor that... The reason for his suicide had something to do with Jaemin.”

  
  
  


Jeno wanted her to stop. But he cannot move, he cannot speak. 

  
  
  


“So Jeno...”

_He feels like his world that is turning over so faster, and then a_ _ll of a sudden... it..._

Herin didn’t bother to hide her displeasure on her next words, “Don’t you think it’s dangerous to get involved with him?”

_Stopped._


	2. A Winter Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning //  
> TW //
> 
> Mentions of someone who passed on.  
> Mentions of suicide.
> 
> If you are triggered please do not proceed or take caution while reading if you are going to.
> 
> ps. there's a link on the song part. please listen to it while reading if you can.

Jeno's ears rang. He felt like each words were slowly being consumed and swallowed with static.

“Two years ago, I heard they were going out...”

_It sounds distorted, just like a cd that’s been scratched and played over and over and over again._

“...Then the guy suddenly committed suicide.”

Jeno felt like a cold bucket of water was dumped on his whole body. He felt suffocated and just… _He cannot breathe._ “He.. Jaem—”

“Jeno hyung!!” Chenle suddenly screeched on his side, knocking him a bit, shoving a drawing pad on his face. “Look at this! The portrait that Jisung drew is so hilarious! Hahahahaha!” the boy laughed and ran away as Jisung chased down. The two running and screaming all over their classroom as soon as they were left unsupervised. 

  
  
  


The two brought him back to reality.

  
  
  


“Sorry!” The girl across him blurted. 

  
  
  


Jeno was a bit surprised, but now he was just confused as to why Herin was apologizing. “Huh? For what?”

  
  
  


The girl wasn't looking at him, her head hung low now. “The last line that I said… It was unnecessary. It was just a rumor that they were dating, so I didn’t think… I should’ve said that.” Herin confessed. Voice getting smaller and fainter.

Jeno’s face still cannot be painted. “I see.”

  
  
  


“But, regarding his childhood friend dying… That one is true.” Herin said slowly. “The girl...” She couldn’t tell him it’s Lami. She’s afraid he might seek her and ask more questions, ask more about Jaemin. “...who went to the same secondary school with Jaemin said…” She shook her head down before taking a deep breath and continuing, “...That a guy named _Mark_ died very suddenly.”

  
  


_Mark…_   
  


Jeno remembered the guy that Jaemin ran off from the other night and he felt so awful again. _‘That’s… Mark’s guitar, right?’_

  
  
  


The guitarist felt his stomach drop as his fingers gripped the drawing pad tighter.

_What the hell is this? What’s this strange nauseating feeling?_

***

Jaemin was working silently and nimbly, putting away the set of chairs when the manager of the venue called him out. “Jaemin! This guy came and asked for you.” 

  
  
  


Jaemin was like a deer caught in headlights as he saw Donghyuck grinned and threw up a peace sign at him, “Yo.” who then turned to the manager again, and with his best puppy eyes and smile, he asked. “Can I borrow him for a while? I just need to tell him something.”

  
  
  


“Sure. We’re almost done for the night too.” She nodded and left the two alone.

Then Donghyuck waved at her and brisked through the room and loomed beside him before draping his arms around his shoulders and towing him away from the people and the venue. Jaemin squirmed as he wanted to just run back inside and forget this but maybe, _maybe_ , Donghyuck can still read him like an open book like what he had always done before. “Don't get defensive. I’m not here to blame you. I just wanna chat. It’s been so long you know.”

Jaemin knew it wasn't gonna be like that at all. 

***

They went to the same coffee vending machine that Jaemin and Jeno went. It was secluded and quiet. _Perfect place to be cornered by one of your (ex?)_ _best friends_ , he bemusedly thought. Jaemin wondered if Donghyuck still think of him as one of his best friends, more over even a friend, or even just a simple childhood friend—after he had just dropped everything and moved to a different city and school after all of that happened without telling them a single thing. He knew it was pretty unfair, but what could he do? 

“The last time we talked was at the funeral, I think?” Donghyuck peered on the other. When he didn’t get any reply, he continued. “So, I was right? You started playing music?”

  
  
  


“Yeah.” 

  
  
  


Donghyuck stared down at the instrument that was perched in front of the other. Without a preamble, he muttered, “That’s Mark’s guitar, right?”

  
  
  


Jaemin hummed. “His mom told me to take it.” 

  
  
  


“Ah, right… Both of your parents pretty much knew and supported your relationship, huh.” Donghyuck acknowledged, taking a sip of his drink before continuing, “You haven’t seen Mark’s mom, have you? I ran to her the other day, and when I told her I saw you with the guitar and seemed to be playing music, she was really happy, you know.” Jaemin's eyes widened, surprised with that information, yet, he was still muted. 

  
  
When the younger didn’t even make a noise after that, Donghyuck continued. “I’ve been wondering though, if you started playing that because you decided to move forward… Or because you’re still imprisoned by it, even now?” Donghyuck straight up told him to his face without any sarcasm in his voice and face, but Jaemin knew deep inside how Donghyuck really felt about this. “...‘cause I thought, it was weird.” 

  
  
  


“That sounds like you’re totally blaming me.” Jaemin tried to laugh it off, between the four of them childhood friends, Jaemin and Donghyuck are the two who had the same wavelength of humor in them. That's how they both work, other people might find them both being too much at it, but, they don't care. They just work that way. They've been both friends as long as he could remember, other people's opinion about how they both talk about each other didn't matter at all. That's why they were best friends, that's why apart from Mark, Donghyuck is the next to know him so well. They knew each other's mind and knew what the other really meant, so it really doesn't matter. _It really didn't matter until..._

“So, which one was it?” Donghyuck wanted to tease the other but froze when he saw _that smile_ on Jaemin’s face. It's been years, but Jaemin can still surprise Donghyuck on how he can conceal his emotions with _that_ kind of smile.

_A smile that can deceive you completely at how peaceful and nonchalant it looked like but deep inside he is just hurting._

“I don’t know either.” Jaemin shrugged as he grabbed his guitar and left, not looking back at his _friend_.

***

Renjun jogged faster when he saw his best friend leaning on the vending machine, tired and looking resigned. He doesn’t like seeing _his sunshine_ like this. “‘Hyuck! Sorry, I’m late.” He panted as he stopped in front of the other, watching the other breathe in a gulp of air. 

  
  
  


“Renjun you’re so slow!” Donghyuck exhaled, then he stood straight and faced him. “I just met with Jaemin.” Donghyuck told him as if he was just telling him the weather, but Renjun knew better and he frowned. _That explains the blank face the other has._

  
  
  


“I see…” When the other didn’t reply, he asked, “Have you finally been keeping in touch with him?” Renjun knew how important this is for Donghyuck, he knew that those three shared a deeper bond than he has, and he understood that. He wasn't even envious of it, as he knew it had been rough especially for the two, he just wanted to be there for them. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck leaned back again on the railings for support. “Nah, I just met him at the live venue the other time, I was just thinking he was there again and luckily, he was! He was even working there. What are the odds, right?” Renjun saw how the sunshine boy tried to laugh it off, but there is stiffness and uneasiness on his voice. “And he’s in a band now, you know? It’s funny.”

  
  
  


Renjun raised a brow at that and smacked him and then proceeded to ruffle the other's soft and colorful hair, “There’s nothing for you to worry about.” He tried to brush it off, like how he always do, but he knew it was futile and all of them have to face this sooner or later on. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck looked like he wanted to cry. Renjun can’t blame him, he felt the same. “Of course I worry. I can’t help it… All of us are childhood friends.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


Jeno felt lost. His whole world felt like spinning and spinning and maybe it's because of the fan above him, rotating on and on but maybe it's because of the words he heard that day… It just keeps on repeating and repeating on his head.

“I'm home.” Yeeun barged through their house and spotted Jeno on the floor of their living room, staring nowhere. “Eeek!! He’s been like this again?! You know, he’s been making this face often these days.” He explained to the person on her back trailing after her. “I've seen him like these nowadays too.” the tall man said as he approached the guitarist who sat up, greeting them with a goofy spacey look.

  
  


“Jeno! Yuta said he has some business with you!” His sister announced before leaving the two of them alone. 

The older one didn't mind the guitarist spacing out. But he came here for business. “I bought something good.” he offered.

“Something good?” Jeno repeated. Mind still flying out.

  
“About the tune you composed...” The drummer started and saw the other perked up with that. He concluded, “It was really good.”   
  


Jeno was just staring at him, “...Kind of unexpected, ‘cause I haven’t heard you did something like this, but it’s good… I think this song suits Jaemin’s voice well. So I got ahead of myself to produce the demo after I added the drums, Taeyong said he’ll add his parts later on.” Yuta concluded as he finished setting up his laptop too in front of them.

  
  


“I see.” Jeno was glad. It was rare for Yuta to praise anyone like this and he just felt so honored and elated.

  
  


“Jaemin’s voice is husky and beautiful, right?” the drummer commented, side-eyeing the other carefully. 

  
  


“Y-yes.. I think so too.” Jeno hummed in what sounded like agreement, his voice incredibly small and low for some reason.

  
  


Yuta cleared his throat, “There’s no denying he’s got a beautiful voice, but you know, when I heard him sing… I feel like he has a great intensity inside of him.... Intense passion or feelings inside of him, and it makes me feel shivers, like a scream but at the same time, a whisper of plead, or something.”  
  


His face paled when he met Yuta’s knowing eyes, “I… understand what you mean.”

“Right? It’d be a waste if he just stayed quiet.” The older one added. He himself genuinely wanted to hear more from the kid, it's really something and he was also getting worked up because of it. “That's why I kept banging the drums lately, but..”

Jeno cut him off unintentionally, t'was like the kid was trying to look for answers that he just blurted out, “I wonder what _that_ is. I can never keep my calm whenever I hear _that_.” Yuta stared at his younger band mate. Clearly not expecting the other to open up and babble what was on his mind like this, while curling up and keeping his head down, “It’s like it’s provoking me, or like it makes me want to destroy something. I don't particularly find it a pleasant feeling...” Yuta could see images on his head flashing, he knew what the other was experiencing... _what was that horrid feeling boiling inside of him._

  
  
  


“HAHAHAHAHAHA” Yuta laughed, trying to mask away the queasy feeling on his gut. God, he hated himself knowing how he can easily see through all of this just because he knew how it fucking felt, firsthand. 

  
  
  


“How can you laugh right now?” Jeno frowned, somehow he knew he should feel offended, but, he can't. The other just waved him off, as he leaned on the couch behind them. 

  
  
  


“The melody is now done, right?” Yuta asked with a smile all of a sudden (you don't see his hyung smile like this often _so yeah, please do excuse him,_ ) it made Jeno’s heart almost stop and fell on the floor. “Y-yes!!!”

  
  


The older grinned at that. “Then, don’t you think we would let Jaemin write the lyrics?” Yuta looked thrilled and cheeky. “Though frankly speaking, I think it’ll be super hard. But I think it’s the best if we let him do it.”

  
  
  


Jeno's eyes locked at his and nodded. “Yes. Me too, I was thinking the same.” Jaemin should write the lyrics he wanted to convey.

It was _his song_ after all. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“That’s impossible.” Jaemin remarked flatly, face blank and void of emotions. 

  
  
  


Jeno and Yuta disclosed to them that they wanted Jaemin to write the lyrics for the new song in their next band practice. They both thought that the their vocalist would agree right on the bat, eyes sparkling and eager to do it, just like when Jeno was teaching him how to play his guitar. What they're not ready for is a flat out rejection like this. Jeno though had been declined two times by the same person and he felt personally offended by him now, he wanted to smack his schoolmate so bad for how easily he dismissed the _great_ idea. “Hey! Don’t give up so easily!!!”

  
  
  


“I also think it’ll be hard for hi—” Taeyong was silenced with a side jab from Yuta.

  
  
  


Jeno grabbed Jaemin’s face and squished it. “You can do it!” The guitarist encouraged. “I mean, just do it!” He was shaking the other softly, their eyes are locked on each other and even if Jeno is starting to feel his face and neck burn, he's not going to give up. He knew the other could do it. Jaemin just needs a little push. “Let out all of your feelings, put it into words, and express it.” He sincerely advised.

  
  
  


In which, the kid turned down so easily. “But I’m bad at expressing...”

  
  
  


Jeno puffed the other’s cheeks more, and seeing his dazed look, Jeno cannot help it. “I. want. to. play. your. song.” He bites off every word, emphasizing how much he wanted it as Jaemin's eyes widened, then softened at that, clearly not expecting that Jeno of all people to tell him that kind of encouragement.

  
  
  


That froze the two older members as well for a moment, clearly amazed and proud of their guitarist. _Jeno is smooth_. 

  
  
  


Jeno patted lightly the cheeks of Jaemin, like telling one's child to do their best in their first chore. “So do your best, _okay kid?_ ”

  
  
  


“Are you his boss?” Taeyong facepalmed as Yuta groaned.

  
  
  


Jaemin concedes, though he's still at lost at what to exactly compose. “...But what should I write?”

  
  
  


“Anything is fine!” The blond bassist offered. 

  
  
  


Yuta grumbled at his side. “That’s the worst advice you could give to him, you know,” 

“You have something you want to say, right? How about that?” Jeno tries, and _he tries_ , giving some sort of idea but Jaemin either didn't totally understand him or he really can't think of anything. 

Taeyong, seeing Jeno kind of going back and forth with the other, tried to go with the easiest and more common root of ideas and inspiration for everyone, “Hm… How about a _love_ you’ve experienced so far? Isn’t that the most suitable and easy?” He suggested nonchalantly. “That's classic, right?”

“Shut your mouth, _kid_.” Yuta warned, his voice coming a little lower than he usually does and Taeyong was confused. “Huh? What, are you my boss? Didn’t I just gave a good advice right now?” He pouted, what's with this? Isn't it the easiest to just write about love stories and mushy things like that? Also why is his should-be partner in this situation the one who was opposing him vehemently? Yuta's weird. 

  
  
  


The drummer groaned. “No. Just shut your mouth.” Yuta then made a face and turned to him and loomed over, “Ya! Wa-wait what are you doing?! Stop!! Geh—” Taeyong tried to get away but of course Yuta didn't let him, he put the oldest on a headlock and made him shut up. 

Jeno's brows furrowed as he eyed the brunet who was indifferent with all of it. _Taeyong hyung, that topic is a bit… of a taboo right now._  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


Jeno and Yuta stayed back at the studio while Jaemin and Taeyong excused themselves to went out and fetch a drink. 

“Geez, what’s up with today? It’s been a while since Yuta had strangled me like that.” Taeyong huffed as a can of soda rolled out of the vending machine. He carefully opened the can and for a moment, the only sound around the both of them were the fizz of the older's drink. The blond bassist really didn't think he could get a conversation going with Jaemin most of the time, though an acknowledgement of him would be good from time to time, he thought. 

  
  


He was about to take a gulp when the younger silently commented out of the blue, still staring at the ground in front of him. “I think… Yuta hyung was just being considerate of me.”

  
  
  


_Well, that was weird._ Taeyong thought. He was sure the times Yuta and Jaemin were interacting was within band practice, aka with him around. So the two being close in a personal level and Yuta knowing and being considerate of whatever Jaemin is saying is really, _weird in a sense_. But, of course this is Yuta. The guy has a strong sense of something within him so even if maybe, just _maybe_ , he and Jaemin aren't really talking closely, he might have had known for a good reason. Maybe from Jeno even. But still, for Yuta to know the woes of someone else's love life? “Huh? Why? Is a love story a taboo topic for you, Jaemin?”

  
  


“...”

  
  


When the other didn't reply at him, Taeyong tried to brush it off since the other wasn't really in to it, “Hm, so going with a love song would be hard, what else—”

  
  


“Taeyong hyung, do you have someone you love?” Jaemin asked. It was so sudden that Taeyong flinched nervously, “W-WHAT?!” he stammered, trying to avoid the eyes of the younger who was now staring at him, hazel eyes boring at him. 

  
  
  


“Well, uh… um...” Taeyong started to panic, not knowing what to really say to the other. _Did Jaemin figured out he has a massive crush on Yuta? What the fuck, this isn't really his day huh?_

  
  
  


“What if...” Taeyong stopped his thoughts as he gave his full attention at the younger in front of him, who was still unnervingly staring at him. “...One day, that person suddenly disappeared from this world, what would you say?”

  
  
  


_What?_

He knew what the question was, don't get him wrong, but... _What does that really mean though?_

  
  
  


He stood frozen as the younger went closer to him, invading his personal space, Taeyong couldn't really do anything but to stay still as Jaemin continued impassively, “Would you be sad? Lonely? Miss them?”

  
  
  


Taeyong didn’t exactly know what to say, what to do, he felt a chill when he looked through Jaemin’s eyes though, it was so sad, even if the other’s face was passive as always, there’s that frightening sadness in his eyes that Taeyong couldn’t understand. “I wouldn’t know what to say… I guess.” He nervously replied, his voice uncertain and small and Jaemin just nodded.

  
  


“Me too.”

  
  
  


The blond bassist couldn't say anything back, he was left dumbfounded as the younger give him space again and turned around, “I’ll go ahead hyung, thank you for today.” Jaemin bowed as he bid the older good bye, and went off.

  
  
  


Taeyong unceremoniously leaned on the wall and slid through it until he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. _What the hell was that?_

  
  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


He found him napping on his spot… _their spot._ Jeno learned how to share now. He knew the other would be there too if he wanted to sleep or think, like he did always, but right now, Jaemin was the last person he wanted to talk to, since that day, he still hasn’t sorted out his thoughts about the other, and it was suffocating him.

  
  


“Did you come here to sleep?”

  
  


The raven-haired pretended and forcibly yawned as he made it to his corner, turned his back to his side and laid down, “Yeah, I want to recharge before it’s my turn to play.”

  
  


Jeno tried to sleep, he knew he couldn’t but he wanted to. At least he could feign being asleep.  
  


A minute or two had past, and Jaemin had said softly, “Jeno… Can I talk to you?”

  
  


The guitarist laid still. “If you’re already asleep you don’t need to reply.” The brunet calmly said. 

  
  
  


“...” Jeno knew the the other not looking at him and was just staring in front of him, looking and almost like talking to someone else in front of him even though it's only the two of them in that place. Jeno didn't want to think more into it but since that day, he swore to god, something was just boiling inside of him whenever he thinks of the brunet. “About the lyrics, I’ve decided to give it a try... ” He didn't know why but he wanted for Jaemin to stop whatever he's going to say next, he had a feeling that he wouldn't really like what will be the other's next words despite his positive response to their lyrics writing dilemma. 

“You know… I had someone I was so in love with in the past...”  
  


_Why is he saying this… Why am I feeling like this..._

  
  
  


“But right now, I can’t express all my feelings in any words… But I still want to convey them.” Jaemin concluded. Jeno was still swimming on his thoughts. 

  
  
  


_Ah..._ _This is…_ _There’s a person he loves?_

  
  
  


god, he wanted to laugh so hard right now. How could he be so dense about realizing, or maybe, he just didn't want to acknowledge it first hand, come to think of it, he's been so obvious about how he treated Jaemin different from the others. He knew it deep down. 

_I get it now… This is…_

  
  
  
  


“Are you asleep?” Jaemin muttered, and when he didn't get a reply from the black-haired guitarist, started humming that song… _that_ song.

  
  
  
  


**_Nnnn~ Nnnnn_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 **

**_Nnnn~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _Nnnn~..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 **

**_Nnnnn..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _Nnnnnnn.._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮**

  
  
  
  


Jeno realized an ugly conclusion.

  
  
  
  


**_This is jealousy._ **

  
  
  
  
  


***

The band was practicing, Taeyong was in top shape, and Yuta was always on his game. Their problem is the two younger ones. 

Ever since then, Jaemin hasn’t written even a single lyric. His guitar playing was also lackluster, like it’s been affected by his mood. But still, that’s expected. They couldn’t force Jaemin that much since the kid was still new and learning. Plus, writing lyrics couldn't really be forced out like that, they also knew that they shouldn't nag the youngest about it since they're the ones being adamant about him writing the lyrics himself. They could just encourage him and pray that he could write it.

The problem is Jeno. How come their reliable guitarist was in bad shape? And not just a bad shape, a bad, _bad, destructive_ shape. 

The said teen abruptly stopped playing as he glared at the other who paused also when he had stopped playing. “Jaemin! Have you been practicing properly?!” Jeno barked, clearly frustrated on the other.

Taeyong’s instincts were alarming him. “Hey… Hey!”

“What was that just now?!” Jeno continued, he was now standing in front of the other, glaring. 

“Hey, calm down!” Taeyong tried tugging Jeno back to his place, but the other didn’t budge. 

The guitarist looked like he was now about to burst, it was so rare for Jeno to be like this, hell, they haven't seen Jeno like this before, he was all worked up with s _omething_ , and he was about to explode. “Do you even want to do this?!”

“I do?” It sounded like it was so sarcastic in Jeno’s ears. But for the other, it was simply just an answer. Taeyong and Yuta both knew what it meant for the two and they knew it wasn't really good now to just let it be. They really should interfere right now. 

“WHAT?!!” The black-haired guitarist finally snapped. “You haven’t made any progress at all! And you keep on repeating the same mistake! If you’re not up for it right now, then just—” 

“Hey! Stop right there! Jeno! Stop scolding him one-sidedly like that!” Taeyong tried to calm the other down, “Besides, you’ve also been acting strangely too.”

_Ah shit I said it loud._

Jeno froze right then. Clearly processing what the bassist had just said and before he could even retort or argue back at that, Yuta hit his cymbals. 

Everyone stood still, and with everyone's attention at him, Yuta stood up and dismissed all of them before it got any worse. “Alright, let’s stop right here today!” When Jeno was about to retort, he give the raven a look that clearly said he wasn't taking any other answer from any of them and it was final. 

***

Yuta took the younger Lee, offering to take the boy home with his motorbike, but before they managed to get through the parking lot, they stopped on the vending machine, or Yuta had stopped. Jeno was totally spaced out and was only following the older it seemed. 

The drummer had to force the younger to take the drink he had for him just to get the other out of his head space. 

“You look like you’re worn out recently, Jeno. What’s wrong? Why can’t you keep your composure? You can’t concentrate at all, so you’re not in the position to tell off others.” Yuta calmly stated before taking a gulp of his drink.

“...”

“I always thought you’re not a moody guy, y’know?”

“Yeah.”

_He’s not making any excuses?_

“Okay, I’ll get straight to the point. Did something... happen between you and Jaemin?” Yuta tried to laugh it off, but when he glanced at his companion at his side, Jeno’s face was flushed. Like someone who was caught red-handed and was trying to get out of it, only to be pinned down and made him look at the evidence pointing directly at him.

“...”

It took Yuta a moment before exploding, “What the hell? Don’t tell me you’ve made a move on him already?”

Did Jeno hear that right? “WHAT?!” 

“And here I… I’ve always thought you were a late bloomer!”

“Wait, hold on, hyung, what the heck are you talking about?! What are you even thinking?! Made a move on him? Late bloomer?!”

“What do I think had happened?! You’re asking me that now? Seriously? Do you even realize what kind of face you’re making right now?”

Jeno felt his face turned hotter with Yuta pointing at him like that so he tried to conceal it with his hands, cupping his warm cheeks, “What… what kind of face am I making?”

“Your face basically says, _“I like Jaemin.”_ ”

Jeno conceded and went down on his knees, he didn’t… think it was obvious as hell and when Yuta really spelled it on his face he just… of course he felt embarrassed. 

“Jeno, get up… Get a hold of yourself.” Yuta helped Jeno up on his feet again. They were both content with the pregnant silence around them, or not. 

The raven-haired guitarist tried again, “I… I...”

“Yeah…?”

“I… Am I _strange_?!”

“Hm? No. Not at all.” Yuta said firmly. 

When Jeno didn’t say anything and just stared at him, the drummer continued, “What’s strange about that? Because the one you like is a _guy_?”

“Do you mean something like, _‘I’m a guy so my sexual preference should only be towards girls?’_ Well, that’s fine, because I used to think like that before but,”

“...”

“Well, I experienced those sort of feelings and relationships too.” Yuta grinned at him. “That was a long time ago though.”

When Jeno just stared at him, Yuta smirked, “Or are you going to say there’s something wrong with _me_?”

Of course not, Jeno wanted to say, but he just felt so overwhelmed right now. Yuta tried to still go through him. “Anyway, Jaemin is still trying to live up to your expectations with his singing and writing the lyrics, you owe it to him to be a little more supportive.”

_Yuta hyung is so amazing._

_He helped me calm down with just a few words._

_No wonder my sister is so in love with him._

_But… Yuta hyung said it happened in the past._

_So things didn’t work out?_

_Even with a great guy like him?_

“Is it really okay to accept these feelings? I just… don’t know.”

“Don’t dwell on it, just ride through it, kid. C’mon, let’s get you home.”

***

“Herin! Can you take the trash today?” 

“Why me?”

“Please? We have to change rooms also so—”

“I’ll help you carry those.”

“Huh?”

“Carrying that all by yourself would be hard, right? I’ll help you.” Jeno shrugged as he took one of the heavy-looking trash bags.

“Here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, that’s done. Let’s go back—?!”

“Ohhhhh what a development!”

“Hey, stop peeking!”

“Why are you being nice to me?”

“Huh?!” Jeno looked left and right, anxious that someone might see them and blame him for a girl crying,

“Even though I told you such a cruel thing...”

_When did she say something cruel about me?!_ Jeno honestly pondered. He couldn’t think of anything that the sobbing girl said to him. 

“...about Jaemin.”

_Ah._

“I keep thinking it was so sly of me to tell you that… I really thought you’d never talk to me again.”

“Well, it might have been sly...”

“!!!”

“...But I was glad to find that… Well, something like that?” _I was glad, but also petrified, that I have to know that so I could finally realize what I really felt about him._

Jeno patted the girl’s head, “...So I guess now we’re even? Don’t worry about it.”

“Ahh, Jaemin hyung!! Did you see that!!! Why is Jeno hyung so popular?!”

“Yeah...”

Jisung tried to calm the other down but, Chenle babbled more, “I reckon he doesn’t even know about it, don’t you think?”

“Yeah...”

“It’s because Jeno is really kind to everybody.”

“Speaking of which! Hyung!!!”

“Yeah?”

“I heard you’re performing at the next live concert, right?”

“That’s right...”

“Jisung and I will go and watch okay!!! Both of us like music and lives, you see. We’ll see you there, okay!!!”

“Yeah...” Doing a live means that there’ll be people coming and listening, I wonder what I really want to convey to them. 

***

They were practicing and Jaemin just finished his part with a smooth finish, the three ‘veteran’ noticed.

_Jaemin… has gotten a lot better. He suddenly made progress and just left them dumbfounded, again._

They took a break after seeing Jaemin slumped and dozing off to the side. 

“Jeno, watch over _that_ , okay? Taeyong!! Let’s go outside for a while.”

When the two older went out, Jeno went beside Jaemin and sat beside him.

Jeno was in deep thoughts when he noticed a sudden weight on his shoulder, when he glanced at the said weight, his heart almost dropped with the close proximity his face is from the other guitarist… _Jaemin’s face is too close—holy shit did my heart just thumped so loudly?!_. 

The black-haired guy was trying to look anywhere aside from the other person on his shoulder, that’s when Jeno noticed Jaemin’s fingers… taking them to his hand, he fumbled on the digits, taking a close look at the other’s blistered fingers. _His fingertips… are callusing like a pro’s._

“Um... Jeno?”

“Oh?! You!! Y-You’re awak—”

“I’m awake now.”

“Uh Uh...”

“I’m sorry, I still don't seem to be able to write any lyrics.”

“We still have time… So just do your best.”

Jaemin nodded. 

_To be honest, I’m scared of the song… He’s going to write._

_I don’t wanna see… nor hear it._

_I don’t want to listen to Jaemin’s song when he’s in love with someone else._

***

“Ah, it looks like Jaemin’s awake, let’s go back?”

Yuta pulled Taeyong back to his seat. “Let’s… wait some more.”

“Huh?”

_Loving someone means you have to expose the softest, most fragile parts of yourself to them, otherwise it won’t work out. Just a simple touch could send you spiraling into delirium. The slightest hint of their nails on your skin rips it open, and if they do try to crush you with any intent, it’ll be fatal._

_Jeno’s love… is a bomb that has the potential to tear the band apart._

***

Yuta knew, first hand, how it feels like… how one’s love… could rip someone apart. 

_When Yuta was competing for the national competitions, there was someone, a genius, who kept ripping up the dreams of all kinds of talented competitors._

_His name was Dong Sicheng._

_Sicheng had just transferred to his school and he was his first friend. Yuta was completely overwhelmed with the other’s talent that he gave up the violin._

_Sicheng had emotions on him of course, but the size of his heart and his emotions both was far more overwhelming than most._

_It was like just the act of being alive pained him._

_Happiness… Sadness… Pain…_

_They were all amplified exponentially for Sicheng, yet he kept it all buried far deeper than any normal person would._

_For that, Yuta was insanely jealous of him… But at the same time, he pitied him for it._

_That’s why when Sicheng touched Yuta through his clothes, Yuta all but wanted to rip everything apart and burn with him._

_Yuta knew first hand how one’s raw emotions and love could ruin and break someone, almost beyond repair._

***

“Okay. I have a proposal.”

When his three other bandmates gave Yuta their undivided attention, he dropped the bomb.

“There’s only one more week until the live, right?” The three nodded.

“Let’s stop practicing.”

Jaemin was stunned, shock was evident on Taeyong’s face, and an endless thunder of cough from Jenom who was drinking the moment Yuta said that. _He should’ve let the composer finish his drink before he said that, he mused._

“What the hell are you saying?!” Jeno gawked. 

“When I heard everything all together, I thought, “Well, we don’t sound bad.” It was alright.” Yuta reasoned out, then continued. “One of the things I was worried about before was Jaemin’s guitar playing, but it reached a passing level now.”

Taeyong then commented, “Hm, but… I think… The lyrics being not done yet is the most dangerous problem here.”

Jaemin peered at the basist, realizing he's that the older was talking about him. About his lyrics for their song.

“Jaemin, I don’t think you’ll be able to write the lyrics if we keep on practicing endlessly in the studio.” Yuta told him, he knew he was being kind of a little bit brash about it but, if things would roll because of this, then all is good in the end.

The brunet's eyes widened at that. He was trying, really. But still... He can't, he doesn't know where to start, if he were to be honest.

Jeno just gritted his teeth in the scene that's in front of him. _Hey… Why are you guys pressuring him like that?_ He knew they're in a tight spot right now, but isn't this too much?

Yuta got his stuff and walked past the bassist, waving and telling him that he'll take Jaemin home tonight, so he should take Jeno in his stead.

“Jaemin?” Yuta called the brunet out of his trance.

When the younger gave him his attention, dummer asked with a grin, “Are you okay with riding a motorbike?”

***

“Ah, wear this.” Yuta gave Jaemin his spare helmet. Then reached again to the compartment of his motorbike before handing him a thick jacket. “And this too. It’ll be pretty cold so let’s put this on you, we don’t want your throat drying up because of the cold air.”

“Thank you, Yuta hyung.” Jaemin softly replied as he patted down several creases on the jacket.

The older one observed their vocalist. He knew they would fuck up big time if all of these goes wrong but… at the same time, they couldn’t reach their goal and indefinite peace when all of them just let things be just the same as before. They need to move. They need to push. 

“Hey… I don’t think you’ll be able to write the lyrics until you’ve made peace with your past. Do you really want to convey it? Or you just want to run away from putting it into words?” Yuta’s gaze was piercing. He was sure he got through the other boy as the younger was stunned, staring back at him. _He just needed time._

***

Ah seriously, Taeyong does understand Yuta’s intentions why he did this, their band was in a 50/50 situation wherein one huge step could make them win or one wrong one could waste all of their efforts and it’ll all be over. He understood that. What he didn’t understand is why Yuta had to breathe on his ear, and call hi ‘’Yong’ out of the blue. His ears feel so itchy right now!

“Taeyong hyung, the light’s turned green.”

Yuta’s seriously aiming to roll their dice all out just to get to their goal, huh. 

“Light a fire on him” God, his ears really feel so itchy and tingling. 

“Hyung, it’s green.”

“Jeno… I think… the reason why Yuta said we should stop practicing... ”

“...might be your fault.”

“Huh?!”

“Well, you can play well... That’s why it’s barely unnoticeable but… your flair is gone. And even before that, you’re thinking, “I just have to do what I usually do.”, aren’t you?”

“I...”

“I guess a part of it is about you being over-conscious of Jaemin.”

“I do… I try to keep playing just like usual, isn’t that enough?”

“It’s not.” Jeno flinched at that. “...or at least, that’s what Yuta thinks.”

“I don’t know if you realize that you’re paying too much attention with Jaemin’s sounds, but...”

“The way you are right now, you’ll be eaten by his sounds.”

_Ah, there it is, with this we’ve all taken a several steps back to our goal. What will we do now, Yuta? I’ve also taken a part of your gamble now._

***

The bedsheets rustled and Sicheng lazily draped his body to Yuta’s who was eating beside the bed. “Gimme a bite~”

The violinist-come-drummer didn’t have a choice of course but to comply with the other’s demand. He picked up the chopsticks and gave the other a bite of his food.

“Ah! Seriously! I hope this humidity disappears!”

“That’s what you get for living in a basement.”

“Shut up.”

“Hey, do you mind if I play the drums in the morning?”

“Huh? Why? Oh.., you have a live show coming up? What, so you’re serious about it now?”

“You wanna come?”

“Are you at the level where you don’t mind showing me?”

Yuta made a face.

“Ah, I see. You suck so bad you can’t even answer me. I won’t be going then.”

“Sicheng… You should come.”

“Eh, but there’s no point watching a performance if the performer doesn’t have the confidence to do it well.”

“I do have it! More like, the confidence is running through me.”

“You finally showed your motivation huh.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Then play the violin with me later.”

“Nah, go play it with your new viola boyfriend.”

“Nah, I just like his face.”

“Is that so...”

***

Jaemin was woken up from the buzz of his phone. He tried to ignore it but it kept on buzzing.

**9:20 AM Lee Donghyuck:**

Are you awake?

**9:20 AM Lee Donghyuck:**

Hey!!

**9:21 AM Lee Donghyuck:**

Look outside your window

Jaemin wanted to ignore it, but there was a ‘clonk’ on his window. _It’s him._

Then his phone buzzed. It just continued on buzzing, a call. Jaemin sluggishly got up and drew the baby blue curtains of his window. When he peered down, Donghyuck was there, phone on his ears while holding an umbrella on his other hand. Jaemin wanted to sleep more, the weather was so nice to sleep in, but he knew Donghyuck wouldn’t let him. He picked up the call.

“Hello.” The brunet grumbled through the line. He peered down and saw Donghyuck smugly looking back at him. “Hey, Nana… Won’t you come out and play with me?”

Jaemin went down and met Donghyuck to the shed near his apartment. It was quiet, only the pitter-patter of the light rain can be heard around them. It was weirdly pleasant, yet, there's that unbearable tension between them. Jaemin and Donghyuck weren't always the awkward when they're together. It's just, there's always Mark and Renjun beside them, but they weren't stiff like this before. They were bearable, tolerable with each other. They were true with each other, that's how they're always had been. Without Mark and Renjun beside them, they're just Jaemin and Donghyuck that were friends and were true with each other without any qualms. 

“Why are you concerned about me now after all this time?” Jaemin finally asked. There isn't any malice about it, but just real concern about it since Jaemin didn't see what would this confrontation would do to them now. “You’ve always, just stood on the sidelines this whole time. ”

Donghyuck nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t do anything” Deep inside he knew why he wanted to talk to Jaemin again after all this time. He knew, yet, he couldn't still act on it. Maybe he's just trying to run away from all of this... But he knew he couldn't do it anymore. He was tired of running away from all of this, he ran away in the first place and things messed up terribly. He didn't want to run away from this anymore, not from anyone anymore. 

**_Lee Donghyuck did not interfere._ **

**_Because he thought it didn’t change and mean anything._ **

**_Even when his childhood friends started dating._ **

**_He knew everything. He saw everything. But said nothing._ **

“I regret that now.”

“I understand how you feel too but—”

“You don’t understand anything that I felt!”

Jaemin took a breath, he surprised himself too with that outburst. 

“You’re right… I don’t know… And I regret that now, too.”

**_Lee Donghyuck wants to be forgiven._ **

**_It doesn’t matter by whom, he just wants to be forgiven._ **

Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck and Lee Minhyung, or Mark, as he would like to be called. 

As far as Donghyuck can remember, the three of them have been together since they were kids, childhood friends. Then came Huang Renjun in the middle of the year. And ever since then, they were always together, always in their little world. 

Especially Mark and Jaemin, who were latchkey kids with single moms. They were both incomplete halves from the start, but together. they filled in each other’s emptiness. 

Jaemin needed Mark, and Mark needed Jaemin.

They just give that feeling that they were made for each other. The domineering, flashy, moody Mark, and the docile, introverted and reserved Jaemin.

While everyone wondered why they got along each other so well, Donghyuck thought it was simple as it’s just like how opposites attract each other. It seemed as though their own little world was complete even with just themselves.

When they became high school students, Mark, Donghyuck and Renjun went to a separate school from Jaemin. Then the three of them started playing music.

Until a small bit of strain happened,

Mark started doing part time jobs so he could buy a guitar, then he spent the rest of his time practicing in the studio. 

Jaemin and Mark had a stupid, childish fight. It was a pointless argument. The kind of a silly scuffle everyone’s had before, but hurtful words were said, and they parted ways that night.

Two days later, Mark, who didn’t drink at all, had drank a lot of alcohol… And that’s when Jaemin found him.

“I knew everything… I saw everything...” Donghyuck took a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down but he was still shaking, “...Yet I...”

Jaemin sat beside him. “We’re doing a live show on Sunday.”

Donghyuck stared at him. “...Is it okay if I go?”

“Yeah.”

“Can Junnie come too?”

“Tell Injun to come too.”

They both fell silent again.

“I took out my frustration on you…”

“Yeah.”

“Earlier, I said you didn’t understand my feelings… the truth is, I’m the one who doesn’t understand them the most. I don’t want to face them, so I ended up running away.”

Donghyuck lightly smacked him, _“Ow—”_

“You idiot.” The sunshine man finally grinned at him. “Call me sometime, you dumbass.” With that, Donghyuck took his umbrella and walked off.

“Okay.”

It was only a few steps when he heard a faint, “...Thanks.” from his _friend_. Donghyuck stopped on his tracks, and coolly waved the other bye.

**_Lee Donghyuck wants to be forgiven._ **

**_It doesn’t matter by whom, he just wants to be forgiven._ **

**_But more than anyone, he wanted Na Jaemin to forgive him._ **

***

The day of the concert came. 

In the end, Jaemin still didn’t sing a single line during the rehearsal.

“Yuta!!!”

“Oh dear, she’s here.” Taeyong grumbled.

“Yutaaaa~” 

“Oh. You really came.”

“I came… Though I do not expect anything.”

“Shut up. Mr. Prodigy.”

***

Jaehyun bounced to his friend, “Taeyongie~”

He pulled the blond down, “Hey… Are you guys alright?”

“Well, you did see what happened at rehearsal… So, Jaehyun, um. If ever… Can you please buy us time with one or two songs before we go in?”

“Sure, I’ll do my part and call you guys out when we finish, but just to be sure, if you need time, tell me in the middle of it, so I can cover you guys, okay?”

“Well, it can’t be helped… this time, we’ll go on without a song.”

_I’m kinda relieved… What the hell… I’m the worst._

“We were an instrumental band in the first place anyway.”

“I’m not against you on this one.”

“There’s always next time.”

“Next time? When is ‘Next time’?”

“Well, the fact that we don’t have any lyrics, what are we supposed to do?”

“Jeno.. This is the first time I heard you give up. You always say, ‘Do it.’, ‘You can do—’”

“But look at the reality right now! _You_ couldn’t do it!”

The guitar strings snapped _again._

***

“Ah…”

_Oh no. This is really bad._

“Hey! What’s wrong? Lemme see...” Taeyong went in the middle of the two guitarists, trying to calm everyone down, including himself. “Ah, the string broke? Do we have a replacement?” When he wasn’t answered by any of his members, he snapped Jeno on his daze.

“Jeno! Run down to the nearest store near the station and buy a new one!”

“Why do you look like it’s the end of the world? If it’s broken, then you just have to fix it, right?”

“You did that the first time too!”

“Weren’t you the one who fixed it for him?”

“I’m going—”

“What is happening? Yuta! I saw Jen—”

“Sorry Yeeun, now is not a good time.”

“...Just, take care of Jeno for me.”

_I am such an idiot._

_I was the one who told him to sing._

_He… Jaemin was hard to understand most of the time, but he always put on effort to meet our expectations._

_I learned how to change strings… Hn… I went to the music club, but… Jeno… You’re much cooler._

“I got it!”

“Whoa! That was fast, youth is great, huh!”

“Relax a bit, I asked the band before us to play two or three more songs, so...”

“Thank you.”

“For now, go cool off your head until it’s time for us to perform.”

“I’ll go tell the organizer about the setlist.”

“Ah, I’ll go too.”

“Jaemin… Is it okay if I fix the string?”

***

“Taeyong!”

“Yeah?”

“Taeyong, look at me!”

“Huh? What?!”

“Maybe you didn’t notice but… you’re always saving my ass...”

“Eh? Is this about the band? Because it’s fine—”

“No. I mean personally.”

“Huh?”

“Thank you for inviting me into the band at the time when I was really at my lowest.”

“You! Stop acting like that, it’s like you’re raising your white flag right now, I might actually collapse, it’s not funny!”

“Hey, ‘Yong… You can be a little conceited to yourself, you know.”

***

_I think the heart is similar with these strings._

_When the pain is too much to bear and you cannot breathe, it hurts, like the strings laid across your chest are about to snap._

_It’s just like when you keep on strumming and picking the strings to their very limit, and sometimes they snap._

_Sometimes you feel like they can’t ever be replaced._

**_But if there’s someone to replace your strings for you, like this… I feel like your wounds may heal just a little._ **

“Jaemin I like your music.” Jeno said, giving back the fixed guitar to its owner. 

The brunet didn't move. Head still down. 

“I was trying to give you a little push, but before I realize it, you’re the one that’s pulling me up. Ever since you came, my sound’s been scattered, warped and strained… it’s a mess. But now is much fun, than when I was just playing whatever chords I was supposed to play.” Jeno sounded so defeated and tired Jaemin wanted to comfort the other but he was rooted from his seat. He just felt so heavy, his heart feels so heavy. 

“Ah, damn. I’m also bad at expressing myself too in words. ”

***

“Ah, the mic hasn’t been removed yet… If it’s not in the way, maybe we should just leave it there? You’re not going to sing, right?”

“....” Jaemin stared at the mic in front of him. 

“Jaemin… hey! You’re spacing out again. ”

“Well… there’s no point in dwelling on things that we can’t do right now.”

“Let’s just have fun!” 

***

_I never knew how am I supposed to react..._

_Just like how everyone laughs and cries so easily…_

_I just can’t do it well._

_I think I’m really bad at expressing myself, compared to everyone else._

_But in reality, even if I really want to… I just can’t cry properly and it hurts so bad…_

_It hurts so much that I just want to scream._

_I always wanted for someone to understand that._

_Even just a little bit…_

A single, white spotlight from the backstage lit a lone lithe figure in the center of the stage, Jaemin felt hot, it was so hot yet he felt so free, he could faintly hear the intro of the song, _his song._ Jaemin could feel his insides burning up, he took a breath, and _sang_. His voice rang out into the audience. Stunning everyone. Even his band mates. 

_Nana… I’ll do anything for you..._

[ **_Just like the shade of snow_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_That hasn't completely melted_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_I continue on with these feelings inside me_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Hey, with what words_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Should I close the door on this love?_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_Will you stop playing the music already?!_

[ **_Your everything has lost its tomorrow_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_And now is wandering around eternally_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Along with me_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Who was unable to say goodbye or move on_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_Why can’t you trust me?!_

_Because I… cannot live without you_

_._

[ **_Just like a spell that still won't break_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Or some kind of curse_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_I'm still holding on to some heavy baggage_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Hey, what kind of tomorrow_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_Am I supposed to look for, in this town?_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_Can you go die for me then?!!_

[ **_Ahhhh..._ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

Jaemin sang with his whole chest like every single word was a part of his body. If Jeno and the older two didn’t know better, they would think that he wrote the song for so long with how much emotions he put into it. He sang it with a pointedness that would make you think that—maybe there was someone out there that he was singing it to. _Maybe there was indeed someone out there that he was singing it to._

_A story that took place one winter..._

_A story that took place one evening..._

[ **_The cold tears that fall_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_No matter where I go, you’re always there._

[ **_Freeze under the sky_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_You’re always in my head._

[ **_They pretend to be kind_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_You’re in everything I see._

[ **_And around the time, they fall down my face_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_No matter where I go, I can still see you there_

_I can still smell your scent._

[ **_Two people who were always together are torn apart_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_I can’t forgive you_

_I can’t forgive myself_

_But I want to._

[ **_That's all there is to this story_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

_I miss you._

_You’re really never coming back_

_Why… Why… Why did I say that back then_

[ **_Even if your everything loses its shape one day_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_You'll always be here with me_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_As I try to move forward again,_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_even though I couldn't say goodbye_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

[ **_You'll always be here with me_ ** ](https://open.spotify.com/track/0bgujdpFkvd6vmQpqmT2pz?si=x-xc8zxzROG8qhEKB35Heg)

The song ended and the crowd, once again, went nuts. When the last beat of the song faded away, Jaemin felt like he couldn’t stand anymore… He was overwhelmed… The people, the lights, the tingle of his fingertips, his breath, his feelings. Everything was just overflowing right now he just needed to breathe, he shook his head and went beside Jeno, who dragged him away from the stage. 

Jeno watched him cry his heart out and he just can’t help it, _I’m in love. I was on the verge of tears._

_I’m in love. It’s so unfair. I can’t control it._ When did he became so weak like this? _It can’t be fixed. I can’t resist it._

His hands were trembling and shaking and everything was just spinning for Jaemin. He didn’t know if it was the high brought by the stage, or just the realization that he finally… He looked up to the guy who was there beside him, he helped him, it was because of him that he had finished and done this. “Thank you… For bringing me this far.”

“Thank y—” Jaemin's words were cut off as lips collided with his, Jeno pulling him closer to his chest as his hands cradled the back of his head. Then, it was over before he even noticed. 

“You did so good out there.” Jeno held Jaemin’s face in his hands. He wanted to touch the other more as his eyes wanted to cry, but he shouldn’t. Not right now. “I'll go play another one.”

Jaemin trembled. Fat drops of tears escaped from his eyes and he just cannot stop. Jaemin sobbed and cried his heart out the first time for a very long time. 

_I’m not lonely._

_I’m having fun._

_I love music._

_I am having fun during lunch time._

_And I have someone new I’m in love with._

_If I could only talk to you again..._

***

Donghyuck stopped in front of him. “Oi.” He kicked Jaemin’s leg. _Oh god he wanted to strangle him now._

“What’s with that face.”

“Shut up.” The vocalist slid beside him. Fumbling his fingers, he continued. “Mark knew that you liked music.”

Jaemin stared at him. “You were often humming songs.” Donghyuck shrugged, closing his eyes as he recalled them all together, a few years back. Mark staring at Jaemin. “That guy was always looking and paying attention to you, y’know.”

“Mark… wanted to write a song for you.” Clearly, the younger didn’t know as his eyes grew big at that. 

He really didn’t know if he should still continue telling this to the other, but… Maybe it’s time. It’s for the best this time. He told himself he wouldn’t regret anything anymore. “But...rather than having a song written for you, you wanted to write it together with him, yeah?”

Jaemin fell silent with that.

Then after a moment, he asked, “...Hyuck, what do you think of the live show?”

“You sucked! Your fingers were barely strumming and you’re all over the place.” Was the good-hearted jab of the other. It felt so good, talking again to Jaemin… to their Nana like this. 

“Hyuck, right now… I have a new person that I like.”

For the first time that night, Donghyuck breathed in relief.

“Well that’s good, isn’t it? Do your best for them.”

Both of them needed this. Both of them needed to move on like this. 

Jaemin smiled. Finally smiled at him like they were kids again. “You should cheer me on.”

“Ah, how troublesome.” 

———

**_Na Na Na Na~ Na Na Na Na Na~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 **

**_Na Na Na Na~_ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _Na Na Na Na~..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 **

**_Na Na Na Na..._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮 _Na Na Naa Naa.._ 𝅘𝅥𝅮**

_“What was that weird song?” Jaemin grumbled on Mark's shoulder. He just wanted to sleep before they have to go down this bus._

_The older chuckled, “What do you mean weird song? You’re the one humming it the other day.”_

_Jaemin loved Mark's voice a lot. It's soothing, it's calming. “Is that so?”_

_Mark cheekily answered back. “Yep!”_

_“Really?”_

_“Really.”_

_“Whoa it’s freezing!”_

_They hugged themselves as another strong sea breeze when past them._

_Mark buried his face to his scarf as he complained out loud. “How stupid is this?! Let’s go home!”_

_“You’re the one who wanted to come here.” The pretty brunet countered._

_They walked on the shore, careful to not let the waters go to their shoes, Mark faced his nonchalant companion. “Well… it seemed like a good place for a date.”_

_Jaemin stopped at that, eyes narrowing at the other, then turned away. “‘A Date’, huh?, You never asked me out though?”_

_The older retorted back, “Well, that’s the same for the both of us. You didn’t ask me out either.” He sniffed. “Ugh, do you have a tissue?” Jaemin gestured for the other to wait as he get the pack of tissues on his bag, he handed it to the other while stating the obvious scenario they have right now, “Everyone thinks we’re dating though.”_

_Mark paused for a moment, before blowing his nose and said, “Well, that’s because we are like, dating.”_

_“Is there a_ _difference?”_

_“There’s about a one percent difference though… Ah this ain’t good, the ocean is killing me.” Mark shook his hand and started rubbing them together, hoping for any friction._

_“Ah.” Jaemin mumbled through the scarf on his shoulders._

_“What?”_

_“I think this is the first time I’ve ever come to the ocean.” Jaemin said as he gazed on the grey waters of the beach. Took them almost two hours to get to Incheon and find this beach. He was just almost two hours away from the nearest ocean and he wouldn't even be here if not for Mark._

_“Are you serious?” Mark blinked and groaned when Jaemin just nodded. “I’m sorry for saying that the ocean is bothersome.” He offered, he knew the younger didn't go to many places as a kid but this is another level. He hadn't been into any ocean?_

_The younger grimaced. “What are you talking about?”_

_“The ocean is cool! The best!” Mark lied, smiling widely while teeth clattering._

_His lover is not amused as he sighed, “Lying is as easy as breathing for you, huh?”_

**_Na Na Na~ Na Na Na~ 𝅘𝅥𝅮_ **

**_Na Na Na Naa Naaaa...𝅘𝅥𝅮_ **

_“Okay, this is enough. Let’s go home.” Jaemin complained. He's just cold and just wanted to sit down and curl._

_But Mark was not having any of it as he bargained, “Five more minutes!!”_

_Jaemin sighed and tried that again. “Why?”_

_“It’s the first time I’ve gone to the ocean with you, Nana. I want you to remember that I’m the first person you came to the ocean with.” Mark insisted like a kid. And even though it was adorable, Jaemin couldn't understand why the older was adamant to stay here even if he was suffering from the cold. They both didn't like the cold._

_“What are you saying, most of my firsts, are with you, Mark. You wanted more?” the younger brunet argued and stared at him._

_Mark stopped on his tracks and looked back at him with that weird smile on his face that Jaemin would never ever forget. It was like he knew._

_“You might remember when you came to the ocean again. On another day or time when the winter wind is strong, or you might remember when you start humming again that weird song.” Mark told him._

_Jaemin frowned, “I won’t forget this_ _even if we don’t spend another five minutes here.”_

_“Nah, you’ll gonna forget.” But the older sounded so sure, and Jaemin wanted to rebuff but Mark started walking away._

_That time… It was like a small premonition._

_“You’ll remember it next year, and maybe in five years time...” then his heels sunk a little on the sand as he stopped and stood still, his back still facing Jaemin as he tried to tell the other dismissively, “...but you’ll forget it in ten years.”_

_Jaemin was sure he’d still remember this in ten years' time._

_Mark raised his hands in a silly manner and declared, “Right, let’s go home!”_

_But he’ll forget the small details little by little—The name of the bus stop they got off at; The color of the sweater he’s wearing that day; The words they said to each other… Little by little, Jaemin would forget those—that thing called ‘Loneliness.’_

_But he won’t forget that it was Mark Lee he’d been, the first time he ever went to an ocean._


	3. A Summer Story

_snip... snip... snip..._

When Jeno went down to see what's the commotion was about, he really didn't expect his father flailing around his older sister who was cutting her hair messily in the middle of their living room. She looked terribly irritated and upset as she snipped another lock of her hair off. “EH? Wait! Waaait! Yeeun?! What are you doing?!!” 

“Didn’t you know? I got rejected?” She screamed frustratingly.

“...”

“Wait what, Yuta hyung rejected you?!” That earned him a glare and Jeno swiftly went off. He didn't want to be murdered right now. 

_But didn’t he reject her once already? So it’s the real deal now?_

Love is hard huh… _Love?_

Realization hit Jeno as memories of what he had done yesterday flashed before his eyes..

_That show was so intense I ended up coming back at home without remembering a huge chunk of what had happened in between… Did I actually kiss… Jaemin?_

Yes. He had kissed Jaemin yesterday after they performed. He pulled Jaemin while the other was looking and thanking him and he just… went for it. He had kissed Na Jaemin and left before the other could say or do anything. 

_Holy shit he kissed Jaemin._ Jeno groaned on his hands as he tried to calm himself down.

He really kissed Jaemin. He kissed Jaemin the moment after he realized he was in love with the other. How brave, how idiotic… He doesn’t even know what Jaemin did after that… Worse, Jeno doesn’t know if Jaemin likes him back. 

***

“Ah, I really want to hear the song again!”

“Me too! Hey Jeno hyung, when are you guys going to perform next—? Hyung?!!”

“Oh dear, is he fine?”

“Jeno hyung… are you fine?” Chenle poked.

“No. I’m dead. I died. Kill me. I don’t wanna be here.”

“Ah, speaking of not being here… Jaemin stayed home.”

“Eh? Why?!”

“I heard that after the performance he felt overwhelmed, he caught a slight fever.” Herin urged Jeno, “...Why don’t you visit him after school.”

***

_Holy shit this is more nerve-wracking than being on stage._ Jeno thought as he pushed the doorbell of Jaemin’s house. Maybe… he shouldn’t have gone here. Shit, maybe he could still run from here? Maybe Jaemin’s asleep so he can’t answer the door—

The door creaked open and a sick Jaemin almost stumbled out of it, “Ah,” he tried smiling at his visitor, beads of sweat on his forehead and neck. 

Jeno froze. THen frantically tried helping the other stand up straight on his feet. “Hey… Are you...okay..?” He’s the one that’s not okay to be honest.

“Jeno… Hello.” Jaemin slurred, his usual low husky voice seemed to just sound thicker with him breathing through his mouth. _God,_ Jeno was spiraling down for real. 

“Please come in… Sorry, if it’s a bit messy.”

_Oh my god this whole place smells like Jaemin I can’t do this._

_Oh my god I should just go home_

“Wait… Chuu, come here.” Jaemin called the white ball of fluff who ran and circled Jeno's feet. _She was so cute. Her owner is so cute too._

_But more importantly,_ “Your dog’s name is Chuu?” 

_Holy Shit. Maybe he was hinting what happened yesterday? Who calls their puppy 'Chuu'? No one. Unless they're totally hinting what he was trying to bury on the back of his mind because he was just so impulsive and emotional and can you really blame him?! Holy crap he's so doomed. He's getting paranoid, isn't he?_

Jaemin pouted. “Her name’s Chuseok.” The white Samoyed puppy let out a small bark at that, as if acknowledging her full name. 

Jeno didn't know if he should feel relieved or dumb because of that. Maybe _dumb_. Because that's what's how he felt since yesterday.

“You’re not coming in?” The brunette offered softly. Jeno wanted to scream because of Jaemin's face even if he should be turned off because of the sweaty state the other was on but _goddamn_ , Jaemin is still so pretty.

He tried being rational. “I… Here, I got these for you. I’ll head home right after this. I only came to check on you since you said your mom wasn’t around.”

Jaemin leaned on the wall before he could even went to his own room. He looked so tired.

“Hey, Don’t collapse in there!” He almost panicked when he saw the other slid down before him, his puppy on his feet. 

“Ah fine, I’ll get you in your bed okay, then i’ll go home.”

After tucking his sick band mate under the covers, and a fresh set of compress on his temple, Jeno deemed it was fine to go now, as he tried putting away the things he bought for the other the last thing on his to-do list before heading out, “I’ll put the drinks here and the pudding in the fridge, okay?” 

“You’re going home now?” Jaemin grumbled. Visibly displeased with it. 

“Yeah, I feel like I’ll just be on the way here, you need to sleep.” he tried to excuse. 

“You can stay a little more...”

The guitarist grumbled. “You’re surprisingly pushy, you know that?!”

“Please stay for five more minutes.” Jaemin requested as little puffs of his breath escaped his lips.

Jeno was taken aback with the request. He really wanted to go home already and wail his sorrow again but, the brunet just have to pull his strings while still being sick like that. He flopped down with a 'tch'. And started petting _Chuu._ Jeno then noticed Jaemin looking at him, _he's so stubborn_. He held out the back of his hand and caressed the sick brunet, coaxing him to close his eyes and take his needed rest.

He stalled for a moment before finally asking the other, he know right now wasn't really a good time to do this, but Jeno doesn't know when would he get this kind of courage again on his system to ask. “Jaemin… The lyrics yesterday… I don’t remember it very much, but… It was a song about heartbreak, right?”

Jaemin opened his eyes again with that, a little panicked. But when he saw Jeno looking at him softly, he was consoled. “Yeah.”

The warm fingers on his face kept on caressing him, lulling him to sleep, as Jaemin sank back to his covers, leaning more to the warmth gleaming next to him, he breathed sleepily, “Next time, I want to write a different song. ”

Jeno pulled his hands back as Jaemin finally conceded to his sleep. “Next time, huh?” _He’s already thinking of what to do next. The_ _The song he unleashed yesterday was so amazing even though the last thing I wanted to hear from him was a love song, he still blew me away._ _Where could he have possibly stored all that sadness in such a small frail body of his._

_**If he would love next time… I want it to be me.** _

***

Jeno didn’t know why he was standing at Busan right now.

Ah, right. Jaemin had asked him if he was free after their practice that day. And who is Jeno to deny him? _(The guy who kissed him and still doesn’t have the guts to confront him at all… Which made Jeno feel like he’s always on the edge, Jaemin could corner him any time and ask him about that stunt he did that night and Jeno would let the Earth eat him alive right there and then.)_ He tried to play it cool okay, but in the end, it all comes to what Jaemin wanted to do, or go for this matter. _He’s so doomed._

He was busy rethinking his life choices when his crush stopped taking in the view and then started to run off to the ocean. “Hey! What the hell—don’t go run and jump on the ocean or something!” Jeno was confused but his body went on auto-drive and chased Jaemin, who stopped his tracks and leaned on the railings of the ocean wall. 

When Jaemin turned back at him, Jeno cannot breathe, the brunette was definitely stunning, the sunset in the background just gave him glow, the breeze tousled the brown locks, but, Jaemin’s face… Jaemin was smiling yet Jeno could see he is holding back something inside of him. Jeno knew that smile, he knew that face, he wanted to tell the other that it’s okay, he’s here for him. Whatever it may be, he can tell him that he doesn't have to hold back.

“It’s my first time in Busan.”

“I’ve been here several times… My relative lives here, also… School trips.”

“Oh… Hey, isn’t this a good dating spot though?”

“HAH?!” _Holy shit, He knew? Wait what does this mean? Is he gonna corner him now? About what happened the other night? That I kissed him? Oh god, does he know I like him? Holy shit—_

Jeno’s brain stopped working altogether then he felt Jaemin slid and nudged on his side, before confessing with a soft, yet clear voice.

“I like you, Jeno.”

_Did he hear that right?_ “Huh? What?!” 

It was clear as the ocean and skies of Busan that day, _“I like you.”_

“W-wait, like friends?” 

“Uh… No, like um, in a _romantic_ way.” Jaemin’s voice lingered as he slightly shied away and bit his finger.

Jeno’s mind is in utter chaos at the sudden revelation that their feelings are mutual, hitting him to his very core like a strong typhoon. 

He was still repeating Jaemin’s words in his head when he remembered what he had declared early that year when Yuta and Taeyong were having discussion about relationships within a band. He had stupidly made fun of it and smugly declared that he will never have any and was strongly opposed to relationships within band members. 

_Shit. Why the hell did he do that?!_

“Jeno…?” Jaemin waved a hand in front of him, trying to get him out of his head, “are you okay?”

Jeno took Jaemin’s hand and tugged him back to the train station, “W-we have to go to Taeyong hyung right now.” the other didn’t protest, just stared at their now intertwined hands and smiled. “Okay.”

***

Taeyong stared at the scene before him. Jeno bowing ninety degrees straight at him and Jaemin blinking at him and back at Jeno. 

“What—why are you both here?”

Jeno, who was still bowing, flinched and loudly explained, “Taeyong hyung! We have something to discuss with you!” The black-haired guitarist was definitely nervous about something, the older blond noted, though he can’t help but hiss at Jeno about lowering his voice down and inviting them both in. 

“Huh? No. Absolutely not.” Of all the things Taeyong was guessing why the two came to his home, this is definitely not the one he thought of. “...okay, wait hold up, lemme get this, you two are going to start dating… You are not yet dating, right?” 

“Not yet. I just confessed to Jeno.” Jaemin plainly said, to which Jeno shook his head and hid his face through his hands. Oh god, Taeyong can feel his head blowing up. 

“Wait, this is really getting messed up, did Yuta know about this?” 

Jeno nodded. “Probably… Yeah, I asked him for advice about this before” Yuta was even the one who made him at peace with himself. 

Jaemin also agreed, “He knows. He made me face up to it before the show.” What Yuta said that night made Jaemin think about why he wanted to do the lyrics. Of course he knew.

Their bassist though was not having any of it, of course that bastard knows, if course they had all played right through this risky gamble of his. Hah, he can even hear the dual-colored haired bastard’s _“It’ll all work out”_

“Yah! Jeno! Aren’t you the one who was strongly opposed to band members dating each other?! What happened?” Taeyong reminded him. 

The liable boy couldn’t do anything but to bow his head, “Please let us have this. We’ll do our best.”

“Wha— Wait, you’re really serious?!”

This time, Jeno stood up and bowed ninety-degrees again in front of his hyung, still firmly asking for his approval, “Please let us have this… We’ll do our best.”

At this point, Taeyong really doesn’t know what to say anymore. He could see and feel the younger’s conviction to it, and he was just speechless. 

“We might… No, I’m sure we’ll end up causing some trouble, but...”

Taeyong groaned on his hands. He didn’t sign up for this. But, he knew he couldn’t leave the two hanging like that, he didn’t have any choice right now, didn’t he?

Jaemin, seeing Jeno pleading like that, was about to bow down when Taeyong affirmed, “Listen up, you two. Just make sure no one finds out...” The blond sat down across them, folding his hands firmly. “...Being part of a band poses certain risks, ultimately, it is a business of popularity. Conduct yourselves properly always and be aware of your surroundings.” The oldest sighed, “Also, expect me lecturing you two if you both became annoying.”

The two boys smiled at each other before rounding off to their hyung who was still contemplating his life choices, Jaemin stopped on the left side and Jeno on the right, Taeyong felt something looming at him and when he looked up he saw the two now-dating boys arms-in-arms, then proceeded to hug him. “Hey! You two! Stop! I get it! Yah!”

“Thank you hyung!” 

“I mean it! Make sure you don’t post anything hinting that you’re dating!”

***

“Heh, congrats…?” Yuta cracked.

The two stared at the dual-haired man. They had a hunch that they wouldn’t have any problems telling this hyung about their new relationship status, given that he was the one that pushed them both, but this is just on another level. “Yuta hyung, is that all you have to say?”

“Huh? Of course. I was the one who pushed on this, so who am I to complain? Also, I’m sure Taeyong has already lectured you two so...” Yuta shrugged. Well, he made those two go through the show knowing that and gambled on it, they barely made it out but, everything worked out in the end. 

***

Jeno handed the other boy a cotton candy. Amused as he saw the other’s eyes sparkle and mouth water with the sweet treat. At least he could list a thing now that the other wanted. 

“Thank you...” Jaemin beamed. He took the treat and started munching on it. They walked beside each other, and even if they felt that tiny urge to hold hands, they resisted. They strolled aimlessly, hitching their guitar case higher up on their back, riding with the waves of the crowd around them until they found an empty spot to sit on. 

They watched as people pass by, just enjoying each other’s company and the fading chill of the night. “It’s almost summer vacation.” Jaemin pointed out. 

“We have a test before it.” the raven-haired groaned. “Then it’ll be summer vacation after.” The brunette insisted.

Jaemin looked up and met Jeno's gaze, "I want to sing again." 

"Yeah." Jeno wanted to hear Jaemin's song again. 

_Out story ended one winder night._

_And ours started one summer day._

———

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Their practice went a little late that night, and Yuta suggested that Jaemin should sleep in Jeno’s house instead. The latter’s house was closer to both studio and school. So it’s just logical for the two to have a sleepover. Jeno agreed, albeit still a little embarrassed even though it’s been months since they’ve been together. The brunette smiled as he took Jeno’s hand again and went their way.

  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  


Jaemin was staring at the wall of his room for a while now. Jeno's panic started creeping on him after he noticed his boyfriend unmoving from where he's sitting at the edge of his bed and just stared at the wall of his room for minutes. They should be in bed as they have to be early tomorrow morning but Jeno didn't know what to think to be honest, he was still alarmed from time to time on how Jaemin would act, or think when he's all alone and quiet like this. 

  
  
  


“ _That clock_ ,” Jaemin’s voice was hushed, almost a whisper yet it felt awfully loud in the whole room. It made Jeno’s ears ring and his heart pound. “... _is the same as the one at Mark’s._ ” 

  
  
  


His body moved on its own before he could think twice about it, Jeno scrambled on the edge of his bed, his heart sinking deeply in his chest, Jaemin’s hushed whisper ringing in his ears. He grabbed Jaemin by the back of his shirt and held the boy to his chest, taking a deep breath and inhaling his lover’s scent. His mind still has that image of Jaemin, _Those eyes… He looks like he was about to cry._

  
  
  


“You—”

  
  
  


“...I’m sorry, I said something strange..” 

  
  
  


Jeno shook his head, he struggled to find the right words, “No!! That’s not it! I—I don’t really know much about your past... ”

  
  
  


As he sank his face deeper into his boyfriend’s shoulder, he held him tighter, and kept his eyes close as he spoke, wishing the tremble he’s having in his whole body and mind didn’t come out with his voice.

  
  
  


“...But when I’m with you, don’t make a face like you’re about to cry all by yourself.” 

  
  
  


Jaemin froze. He didn’t know about that, he’s trying, he knew he had moved on, he had accepted it, but sometimes, there are just things… little things that reminded him of Mark and he just can’t help but to be a little sad. By all means he was really trying to focus more about the present, but then, when he sees something as trivial like a clock reminding him of Mark, he just cannot… stop himself. He felt awful, he felt ashamed, but he was lucky, he knew he was so lucky with Jeno being patient and trusting and just being there for him. That’s why it hurt, he’s not hurt that he was reminded of Mark again, he’s hurt that he’s doing this to Jeno who was nothing but good to him.

  
  
  


“Jeno...”

  
  
  
  


Jeno just held Jaemin tighter to him. He was feeling like he was the one depending on Jaemin for everything about their relationship. He didn’t have any experience, after all. But sometimes, really just sometimes, he wished for Jaemin to lean on him, share even half of his burden. 

  
  
  


He closed his eyes, “Tell me about him,” Jeno murmured. Silence echoed. 

  
  
  


Jaemin was taking in deep breaths, Jeno noted, and he couldn’t do anything but to hold him tighter, _I’m here, I’m here, I’ll always be here._

  
  
  


“Mark was… fascinating. My world only revolved around him”

  
  
  


The words hit Jeno hard he wanted to throw up. He was jealous, so jealous of someone who wasn’t even there anymore. He was jealous that Jaemin had known Mark since childhood, jealous that he had been all of Jaemin’s firsts, jealous of everything they had ever shared.

  
  
  


But he doesn’t have the time to have this ugly feeling on him now, he should be doing this for Jaemin, he wanted the other to know, so that he could rely on him just as he had relied on him. 

  
  
  


_But it didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like shit._

  
  
  


“He loved music,” Jaemin continued, “‘Hyuck said he was always composing back in their band, that Mark would often write songs for me. I wanted to write too, but he never asked me to write with him. Because of that I felt secluded, I… So I started to hate music, for taking him away from me.”

  
  
  


Jaemin’s voice started trembling, and Jeno held him in his arms, wrapping his legs around the other boy’s lean frame. He couldn’t bear to look him in the eye. 

  
  
  


“We had a petty fight, days before he died. _I asked him if he would die for me_.” 

  
  
  


Jeno’s chest felt heavy, it felt so heavy even if it’s crushing him. He couldn’t breathe. 

  
  
  


“It wasn’t your fault.” Jeno sounded so desperate. Desperate for Jaemin to listen to him, for him to stop blaming himself.

  
  
  


Jaemin distanced himself from him, to look him in the eye. The utter pain in his gaze scared Jeno. 

  
  
  


“You don’t know that.” 

  
  
  


“I know that you are… something else. You are amazing and great and kind and soft and warm and— holy shit, I’m not good with words, you know that, but— listen to me, Mark… he… Mark knew you didn’t mean what you said. And I know for sure that he loved you. He loved you so much. So he wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself for what happened to him. He loved you, Jaemin.” 

  
  
  


Jaemin’s eyes welled up, and so did Jeno’s. 

  
  
  


The guitarist caressed his boyfriend’s face in his hands, and swore, “I want you to be happy, so I’ll do my best to make you happy, okay? I don’t want to force you to forget about Mark, I just want you to tell me about him whenever you feel like it, so that you’ll be able to remember him forever, so you won’t look sad again like that, you can always remember him, I won’t take that away from you, I know he’s important for you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be happy, we won’t be happy, okay? I love you, Jaemin.”

  
  
  


Jaemin looked stunned, staring at Jeno with his watery eyes. 

  
  
  


Soon, Jeno realized he just had said _‘I love you’_ for the first time. 

  
  
  


_Well shit._

  
  
  


Jeno pulled the other close again and hid his burning face in Jaemin’s shoulder. 

  
  
  


Jaemin cannot help but to fall deeper, “I love you too, Jeno. You’re the most understanding, most considerate and kindest boyfriend I could have asked for. Thank you.” He pulled away to stare at his boyfriend who still has that silly embarrassed red face, _Jeno is so cute._

  
  
  


Jeno couldn’t resist anymore.

  
  
  


He grabbed Jaemin by his shirt and kissed him, _carefully, earnestly, lovingly._

  
  
  


The brunette hummed as he kissed and sighed contentedly before breaking the kiss. 

  
  
  


“Let’s get to sleep, we have school tomorrow.” The guitarist hummed. Pulling the other down to the bed, trying to tuck the other down.

  
  
  


Jaemin was smiling fondly at him, his head tilted to the side, his hair wildly covering half of his face. 

  
  
  


“What?” Jeno asked, self-conscious. 

  
  
  


“Jeno you’re so cute.”

  
  
  


Jeno coughed. Trying to calm down his surprised thumping heart.

  
  
  


“Shut up and sleep, staying up late is bad for your brain.”

  
  
  


Jaemin chuckled softly, “Goodight, Jeno.” he sighed, then smiled as he closed his eyes. 

  
  
  


Jeno watched him drift off to sleep. Jaemin was hurt and broken, but still worth everything Jeno had to offer. He would help him be better. He would have given Jaemin anything. 

  
  


He just wanted Jaemin to be geniunely happy, even with all of his burden with him. Because now he wouldn’t have had to carry it by himself.

  
  
  


Jeno was here now to carry Jaemin’s pain with him as well. He wouldn’t let Jaemin by himself anymore. He’s here now. He’ll always be with Jaemin.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He kept having the same dream... _over and over again._

_He looked at him like he had hanged the stars from the sky for him._

_He’s looking at him so lovingly and so warm and he cannot do anything but to melt and cry._

_Jaemin… You did great, you did well._

_Jaemin… Sing for me._

  
  


_Over and over…_

No, he’s not lonely.

He has someone he loves right now.

He loves Music.

He has Jeno by his side already. He knew Mark would have wanted him to have this. Jaemin knew Mark would want him to be happy, so that’s what he’s going to try to do. No, he wouldn’t forget about him right away. Mark will always be with him. He knew Jeno knew that, understood that, and he would still love him, cherish him and protect him even with that. _It’s what would make them both okay._ That’s why Jaemin wants to be happy, not only for Mark, not only for Jeno, but also for himself. 

_Jaemin… I'll always be by your side._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this monster is finished. 
> 
> Again, I don't mean to upset anyone in this story, it's just... really how it goes. 
> 
> Also, I would want to make a sequel focusing on Donghyuck and Renjun's stories and the love triangle. I did skip a lot of scenes and interactions to be honest I don't know how long this would be. So I'll really try when I have the time. Though I really wanted to write snippets of Donghyuck and Jaemin friendship more :( they're so cute tgt.
> 
> ps.  
> and yeah, i kinda tried to get the whole given plot as i haven't asked my prompter if should've followed the whole plotline or not. i wanna cry


End file.
